~~Author of Y'all's Destruction

More Proof the Aliens Were Here...

2011-12-08T07:28:00.000-08:00

...2,800 years ago.

V is for Victory.

Look at the Little Flashy Thing

2011-12-07T12:25:00.000-08:00

So basically what you're saying is, this was the reflection of Mercury shining through swamp gas rising off Venus. And it happens all the time.

Which is why no one ever noticed it before.

Bring Up the Twelve Pounders!

2011-12-07T09:12:00.000-08:00

Good thing nobody had a horse shot out from beneath him.

When's the air date?

At Least They're Targeting the Real Criminals

2011-12-06T10:58:00.000-08:00

Between busting medical mj dispensaries and online poker players, they're going to go after food stamp fraud. So glad they arrested all those banksters who nearly ushered in the new Dark Ages. After all, $753 million a year ain't peanuts. It would only take 17,264 years for food stamp fraudsters to steal as much as the Fed secretly gave to the banks.

Pepper Spray Cop

2011-11-22T11:26:00.000-08:00

After the pepper spraying event at UC Davis, Pepper Spray Cop has been appearing lately in classic paintings. Lest we forget, he made his first appearance back during the Bush administration. Of course, back then all he did was stand around with his homeys on iconic street corners looking menacing, but it was enough to scare the bejesus out of Democrats who feared Glorious Leader was only days away from ushering in a police state.

Who could have knowed it would be President Hopen Change who would hold the door open for the jackbooted thugs.

The Great Flood of 2011

2011-05-03T07:11:00.000-07:00

The Mississippi River is predicted to crest in Memphis at 48' on May 10, a half-foot higher than the crest of the Great Flood of 1927. Here are some photos I received in email yesterday.

Wolf River flooding of school bus depot.

Wolf River flooding CBHS football field.

Wolf River flooding Al's Golfhaven

Wolf River flooding Humphrey's Blvd.

Mississippi River flooding of Harrah's Casino in Tunica.

The casino closings, for who knows how long (at least two weeks) will cost millions of dollars.

The Mississippi is about steal the show in Tom Lee Park.

I-40 crossing into Arkansas. Those were farm fields.

In other news, teh kittehs are two years old.

Happy birfday to we.

Million Writers

2011-02-02T07:26:00.000-08:00

The storySouth Million Writers Award is now open for nominations. I had several stories published last year that could qualify. They are:

Himself, Guilty (Fried Chicken and Coffee) - Southern gothic

The Dream of the Artillero (Eclectica) - weird historical

Throwing Stones at the Sun (Silver Blade) - historical fantasy

The End of the War (Fried Chicken and Coffee) - winner of the Barrah Hannah Memorial Short Fiction Competition

Death's Last Daughter (Heroic Fantasy Quarterly) - historical sword and sorcery

Won't you help out an old altar boy and nominate one?

The Battery That Wouldn't Die

2011-01-06T11:58:00.000-08:00

According to this story, this battery has been producing electricity since 1950. I have a story that is slightly different. This is the story of the zombie battery that came back from the dead.

My grandmother had a simple, battery-operated wall clock in her house. When she died in the late 70s, my mom took it to our house and hung it on the wall. Not long after, it's pair of Eveready D batteries died and the clock stopped. She never replaced the batteries, nor got rid of the clock. It just hung on the wall, I suppose as a reminder of her deceased mother.

I'm guessing around 1990 or 91, one night mom called me, breathless and a little scared. She said, do you remember Mamaw's old clock?

Yes, I said.

It's running, she said.

She just happened to notice that the time had changed, and upon closer examination saw that the second hand was moving. No telling how long it had been running, but the old clock continued running for several more hours on 15 year old dead D batteries, before stopping again. It's still on her wall, but it has never run since.

Common sense says that batteries that have been dead for 15 or so years don't just suddenly recharge themselves. Yet that's what they did. There's no rational scientific explanation for it. E pur si muove.

Loved Up by Them Sirens

2010-12-07T10:57:00.000-08:00

At last... really, it's only been a few days (of silent hell)... I can announce that I've been offered a two-book deal with Macmillan/St. Martin's Press' mystery imprint, Minotaur Books.

Hot damn! And I didn't even have to sell my soul to the devil.

Details to foller.

Neon Orange Election Afterglow

2010-11-03T06:35:00.000-07:00

You can't argue that the moon isn't made of cheese with someone who bases his moon cheese theory on the idea that the moon landings were faked. Nor can you argue with someone who, though he aknowledges that men really did land on the moon (illegally and unconstitutionally) and will admit that the holes we see are impact craters, not Swiss cheese, since the astronauts didn't examine every cubic inch of the moon, we cannot state as fact that some part of it, perhaps its core, is not made of gorgonzola.

Furthermore, you cannot debate people who think it is rude, unhelpful or elitist to refuse to waste our time having a serious debate with people who believe the moon is made of cheese.

Brothers, the moon cheese faction must be marginalized by our laughter and our disdain. Otherwise, the coin-operated terrorists (politicians) win.

Halloween Ghost Stories

2010-10-29T07:31:00.000-07:00

I used to live in a haunted house. Not a house where you hear the occassional bump in the night or get a prickly feeling on the back of your neck. I'm talking about a house where you'd lay in bed and listen to the people talking in the hall, and you'd stay in bed even though your bladder was about to burst just to not have to walk into a dark bathroom. It was the sort of house where you didn't want to spend the night alone. When you had to, you slept with the television on so you didn't hear people shouting your name.

This was the house I grew up in. We moved there when I was in sixth grade and I lived there, off an on, until I was 26. A few years after I got married, my wife and I moved back into this house. It's the house where my first son was born. I suspect that when I die, I'll end up haunting that house. I can't escape it, not even in my dreams.

We always had pets when we were living there. Sometimes our old dog Frisky would stop and stare into a corner, hackles raised, growling. Then he'd relax and go on like nothing had happened, leaving you sitting on the couch staring into the corner, afraid to move.

One night, I was in the back bedroom digging for something in the closet, when I heard a little girl scream in the den. She was screaming like she was being murdered. I ran down the hall and found the cat crouched in the middle of the floor. As I entered the room, he threw up. No little girl.

But later, my wife's niece was at the house. We were in the kitchen and we heard her playing by herself in the den. I walked in and said, hey, whatcha doing?

Playing with my new friend.

Who is your new friend?

The little girl who lives in the fireplace.

Happy Halloween

Immunization Porn for Troll Monkeys

2010-10-14T09:31:00.000-07:00

A little over a year ago, I took my new kittehs to the vet for their first round of immunizations. They were too young for the rabies shot so they got the distemper/parvo/FL super combo package. That night, Dexter developed a head tremor. It wasn't chills or fever. It looked like he had Parkinsons - definitely something related to the nervous system. After a few hours it went away and he seemed fine.

This past Tuesday, I took the cats to the vet for their yearly immunizations, and I mentioned this tremor episode to the vet. She grew very concerned and decided to change his immunization, splitting up his immunizations into two rounds and eliminating the FL altogether, since he is an inside cat. She also gave him a steroid to help him deal with the shot.

Maybe it's because I'm a conspiracy theorist familiar with tales of autism caused by immunizations, but this whole episode struck me as odd. I fully expected the vet to act like your standard medical doctor, dismiss my concerns and go ahead with the shots. I had prediscounted my fears in my own mind. Instead, she questioned me thoroughly on everything I could remember, trying to determine which shot had caused this reaction. She took his temperature to get a baseline, in case he had a reaction to the new shots and we had to bring him back in. There was never any doubt in her mind that the initial reaction had been caused by one of the shots.

I thought, if there is this level of concern treating cats, why isn't there the same level of concern treating people? It seems to me that, for people, immunizations are perfectly safe and no cause for concern, but for cats, it's best we not take any chances. We can even eliminate a certain immunization if there is (apprently) medical (or anecdotal) history of the immunization affecting the patient's nervous system!

Honestly, I think there is great value in vaccines. Look what they did to small pox and polio. But when medical science meets corporate profits, profits always win. Even for doctors, it is a numbers game - far more people are helped than harmed by vaccines. There will always be a temptation among vaccine manufacturers to cut corners and play the numbers, choosing the profit of a longer shelf life or smaller dosage provided by preservatives and booster chemicals in the vaccine over the loss of a resulting lawsuit, especially when such lawsuits can be fought and won in corporate-friendly courts.

In my opinion, something as basic to public health as immunizations shouldn't even be in the hands of profit-making corporations. Vaccines should be produced and distributed by the government, especially vaccines vital to the containment of a pandemic. Tossing out and replacing expired vaccines is money we, as taxpayers, should be willing to have our tax dollars wasted on, just as we are willing to waste tons of money building weapons to fight enemies that don't exist.

That's all I got to say about that.

Well, one more thing. If cat's can have autism, Dexter is autistic, and has been since that immunization-induced episode of Parkinson-like tremors.

When the Very Air is a Lovely Fume

2010-09-17T12:51:00.000-07:00

Recently discovered ad copy found in the shredder of the Dark Lord Advertising Agency:

One ring to rule them all.

One ring to find them.

One ring to bring them all

and in the darkness bind them.

In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie

and rock bottom prices for jewelry lurk around every corner.

You'd be crazy as a Gollum not to take advantage of our everyday low prices! We're practically giving them away - just ask the kings of dwarves and men!

Put one of our rings on the finger of that certain special someone and she'll be yours forever, provided you also purchase the Ruling Ring for half off the original price.

You can't go wrong, but if you do, you'll want one of precious rings - guaranteed never to fall off during an orc attack!

Hurry today before they vanish out the door.

The Litany of Beer

2010-08-26T11:00:00.000-07:00

1 In the beginning, there was the void.
It was cold and dark and without beer.
And God opened the door of the void
and separated the light from the darkness
and the waters from the earth.
And it was good.

2 God made the light to shine upon the earth
and it brought forth grain,
especially barley,
and hops of many kinds.
And God let the darkness cover the earth
and it brought forth yeast.

3 God took the barley
and he made the light to shine upon it
so that it did malt.
And He took the malt and spread it across the floor of hell.
And He did make the demons and the devils
to roast it with the heat of their hoofs.
And there was much gnashing and wailing,
for they knew there would be no beer
for them in hell.

4 And God took the waters in His hand,
and He spread the roasted barley across the waters.
And He took the yeast and He spread it across the waters.
And He took the hops and spread it thereon.
And He let the darkness cover the mash
so that the yeast would be fruitful and multiply.
And this was also good.

5 Now God took the mash
and He smelled it with his nostrils
and breathed upon it with his mouth
with such a sigh. And he said,
"Verily, this is righteous beer, of which I am most proud."

6 God separated the beer from the mash,
and He made two parts of it to be put into bottles,
and the other two parts
He made to be put in barrels of curious design.
And He did make hell to freezeth over

and there he stored the beer for a time,

until it was ready.

7 And God gathered together two armies,

and He clad them in armor

and set before them a ball made of the skin of a pig.

And He commanded them to make war over the ball.

And so they made war over the ball,

And God did watch, and drink His beer.

8 With his right hand

God did brush the foam from His beard.

And He did breath a sigh and said,

"Verily, this is righteous beer. The beer of the righteous it shall be called."

- "The Beer of the Righteous" from The Orange-Haired Dwarf's Bible

Baby Snakes

2010-08-06T07:25:00.000-07:00

Last night's weird dream - my spayed cat had two kittens. Then our roomer (we don't have a roomer) got mad at us and moved out, but not before dumping his collection of baby snakes (cue Frank Zappa) in his bedroom.

Now the house is crawling with small poisonous snakes, and four cats chasing them, and me trying to catch the snakes before one of them bites a cat. And all the while I'm getting bitten on the thumbs and trying to suck out the poison while trying to rip the heads off the snakes and throw them out in the rain. My hands were getting numb from the venom.

More of a nightmare of frustration than a nightmare of horror. Anyone care to interpret?

Don't Ask Where I Got This

2010-07-15T09:26:00.000-07:00

Pages from an unreleased first draft of Dignity & Respect: The U.S. Army Training Guide On Homosexual Conduct Policy.

Life's Little Lemonades

2010-07-08T12:06:00.000-07:00

Ever the Eternal Optimist once sagely said, "When life hands you lemons, make lemonade." Since that day, he has been quoted numerous times, often without attribution, but that's ok because he's making lemonade. You'll see his words on church signs. You'll hear it from the mouths of bootstrap-tugging Randians. He's happy, because he's making the world a better place.

This has to be one of the stupidest things Ever ever said.

What's wrong with lemons? Absolutely nothing. You can make lemonade with them, or better yet, an ice cold Tom Collins with Plymouth gin. You can make lemon icebox pie. You can clean with it. Disinfect. Pen secret messages to your 13th century monk or Russian spy.

When life hands you lemons, the proper response is "Thanks, life! A lemon is damned useful, one of nature's little wunderfroots."

Now, Ever the Eternal Optimist and his immitators often use this metaphor whenever life hands you something other than a lemon. Prolonged unemployment isn't a lemon. Neither is bankruptcy due to medical problems. Being impregnated by your rapist isn't a lemon, nor is being impregnated by your uncle, or your uncle the rapist. A lemon is a beautiful yellow fruit of many uses. Rape is not a beautiful yellow fruit.

But Ever wants you to think it is. Make the best of a bad situation, he's trying to say with his oh-so-clever lemon metaphor. Buck up, little girl. This act of violence is a great opportunity for you, if you just approach it with a positive attitude.

And therein lies the error of this false metaphor. These things aren't lemons, they're more like a rotting maggoty dog carcass. And when life locks you in a cage with a rotting, maggoty dog carcass, you know what you're gonna do? Pee yourself. Howl. Vomit. Because you're not making lemonade, Sunshine, and anybody who suggests you should try to make lemonade from a rotting maggoty dog carcass should be the first to taste your product.

Ever's problem is, Life has never handed him a rotting dog carcass. The greatest tragedy in his life was being handed a lemon grove when what he really wanted was a winery. To Ever, a tragedy is when you get something other than what you want. But Ever the Eternal Optimist, when handed a lemon grove decided to make lemonade. Then all the people in daddy's vast social and business networks stopped by and bought Ever's lemonade at two dollars a Dixie cup and Ever made a lot of money through hard work all of his own and the right attitude and now he fancies himself an entrepreneur who should have his taxes cut because without him where would this country be, huh? Huh?

Politics Lesson 1,341

2010-06-17T13:28:00.000-07:00

Things we have learned about politics in the last decade:

That the old adage about being caught with a dead girl or a live boy no longer applies, if you're from the right side of the aisle. Heck, even being diapered by a prostitute doesn't apply.

However, if you're from the wrong side of the aisle, lying about a beej will get you impeached and disbarred.

If I ever go into politics, I know which side I'm joining.

Governor Haley "Larry Vaughn" Barbour

2010-06-11T14:06:00.000-07:00

I had a dozen oyster po-boys and now I don't feel so good.

And Jesus said, "In the Hole!"

2010-06-10T13:17:00.000-07:00

In Republican Heaven, there will be golf.

Hard Core Inflation

2010-06-04T12:23:00.000-07:00

Just doing a little back of the envelope calculation for the inflation rate on my grocery bill.

I know that 9 years ago, my average grocery bill was $75 a week.

Over the last 3 months, my average grocery bill has been $175 a week.

According to my calculations, that's an increase of 233% over the past 9 years, or roughly 25% inflation per year.

Because the price of a pound of peaches varies from season to season, food costs are too volatile to be included in core inflation rate calculations. Because I can now buy a computer with 233% more processing power for 50% less than it would have cost me in 2001, somehow everything balances out.

If the inflation of the average grocery bill (not individual food costs) were included in the core inflation rate, there would be panic in Washington and New York. Regimes would fall. Banks would collapse. That's why when they talk about the economy, they brush the ugliest numbers under the carpet. Those numbers are too volatile.

Hell yes they're too volatile. They keep going up! At 25% a year!

In My Kitchen

2010-05-25T05:25:00.000-07:00

Cat Tales 2 is now available, including my Sherlockian tale "The Case of the Unfortunate Mrs. Ripley's Cat." Sherlock Holmes and cats - a match made in hell.

Also, Murky Depths #12 is out with my weird western "Warm August Tequila," wonderfully illustrated by SMUZ. Terry Martin continues to put out a quality magazine, with great art, comics and stories. I highly recommend a subscription.

Strange Dream

2010-05-17T06:12:00.000-07:00

Saturday night I dreamed I was watching a Cartoon Network stop-action animation movie made from one of my stories without my permission. I was angry, but also amazed, because it was very well done.

Right after that, they showed another movie made from another of my stories, but this one had never been published. I was frightened, because I kept wondering how they got their hands on my story.

The strangest part of the dream was that I have not written either story. In the dream, they were my stories, I knew them by heart. But when I woke up, I realized I had never written them.

Alas, I can't remember what the first one was about - something with a goldfish.

The second one is a different story.

Mr. Conspirary Says AHA!

2010-05-06T11:56:00.000-07:00

"A sheen of oil washed ashore on uninhabited Freemason Island in the Chandeleur chain, a spokeswoman for the U.S. response team said." - link

Freemason Island?!!!?!?!?!!!! Chandeleur - as in someone who makes candles, as in a maker of light, as it THE ILLUMINATI!!!!ZOMG!!!

Children, wake up. It's not oil! It looks like chocolate milk because it's the blood of Great Cthulhu! The war has begun. The end is nigh! Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl!

Ack!

Happy Star Wars Day

2010-05-04T11:27:00.000-07:00

Here's a little something I threw together after the 2006 elections.

Little did we know that in 2008 we'd get A New Hope.

May the Fourth Be with You. Because you're good enough, you're smart enough, and doggone it, you look strong enough to pull the ears off a gundar.

From the Department of Brilliant Ideas

2010-04-28T09:08:00.000-07:00

Looks like Obama picked a bad day to approve more offshore drilling in the Gulf.

Coast Guard to Set Fire to Oil Leaking in the Gulf

NEW ORLEANS – The Coast Guard planned to set fire to oil leaking from the site of an exploded drilling rig in the Gulf of Mexico on Wednesday, a last-ditch effort to get rid of it before it reaches environmentally sensitive marshlands on the Lousiana coast.

Sooooo, instead of a giant oil slick washing up on the Lousiana coast, we'll get a giant flaming oil slick washing up on the Louisiana coast.

I'm sure no one could have foreseen this would happen. Much like everything else that happens.

OMFG

2010-04-02T12:30:00.000-07:00

Something I learned today:

James Lee Burke's "novel, The Lost Get-Back Boogie, was rejected 111 times over a period of nine years, and upon publication by Louisiana State University press was nominated for a Pulitzer Prize."

James Lee Burke is one of my favorite living writers. He is a master storyteller. When I began writing my novel, Ghost in the Camera Eye (former title - Shades of Black), I hoped my story would be half as good as something he wrote.

Ghost in the Camera Eye now has an agent - Peter Riva.

As he ate his sausage and biscuit, he read...

2010-04-02T04:49:00.000-07:00

"For months, a terrible smell of death wafted down the street where Sowell lived, but it was blamed on a sausage factory next door to his house." link

It's put me right off me breakfast.

The Black Knight Always Triumphs!

2010-04-01T06:02:00.000-07:00

Though it is April Fools Day, I'd be a fool not to let you know about my new story, just published at Heroic Fantasy Quarterly. "Death's Last Daughter" is a short story drawn from my novel, The Sword of the Prophet, which still hasn't been published.

Go on then. Have at you!

I was Cleopatra in a Former Life

2010-03-30T12:21:00.000-07:00

The Ouroboros Society - is it real, or is it just a clever marketing ploy to promote a movie or book about reincarnation?

My vote is for marketing ploy, as they suggest you contact them, but provide no way to do so.

Which means I have just participated in their marketing ploy. Oy.

What're You Lookin' At?

2010-03-25T13:22:00.000-07:00

Has there ever been a movie made so faithfully to the book as The Maltese Falcon?

The other night, the movie was on television, but I only caught the last 30 minutes. Then the next night, I couldn't sleep, so I got the book off the shelf and started reading. And as I read, Bogart's voice flowed so naturally from Spade's mouth, you'd think Hammett wrote the part specifically for him. Same for Peter Lorre as Joel Cairo.

It's just scary.

Happy Near Miss Day

2010-03-23T08:48:00.000-07:00

It's here again, my favorite holiday of the year, when all the family gathers around the dinner table to eat ghost chilis and reflect on the fact that we were not obliterated as a species on March 23, 1989 or March 2, 2009. Whenever you think things are bad, just remember that it could be so much worse.

But also remember that sooner or later, it's gonna happen. So eat a peach, astronauts.

BTW, it wasn't a near miss. It was a near hit.

Smells Like Victory

2010-03-18T09:48:00.000-07:00

Excellent news, Arthur!

"Death's Last Daughter" is going to appear in the April issue of Heroic Fantasy Quarterly. Though the story is drawn from my still-unpublished (wtf!?! I know!) historical sword-and-sorcery novel The Sword of the Prophet, it stands on its own as short fiction quite nicely, thanks to the excellent suggestions of the editors. Now if only I can talk David and Adrian into knocking the entire novel into publishable form... that would be keen.

Onward!

"Eaters of Earth" has been accepted for publication in the legendary Space and Time Magazine, which has been around since forever. In this story, there's this thing, and its buried in this hole, and this one guy wants to let it out, but this other guy... well, you really have to read it. It's about the end of the world and stuff.

Deep Thought

2010-03-08T15:01:00.000-08:00

The Earthsea Trilogy by Ursula K. Leguin has 12 reviews, average rating of 4 stars.

The Rose and the Skull by me has 12 reviews, average rating of 4 stars.

Therefore, according to the customers of Amazon.com, these two offerings are of equal merit.

Of course, that is not true. People are stupid.

Cats in Springtime - An Idle Yawn

2010-03-05T09:18:00.000-08:00

They scale the cabinets,
clinging like mountaineers.
They make confetti of paper towels.
They are drawn by the subtle
lure of toes beneath blankets.
They run relays through the house,
purring, frantic, nowhere to go.
They sit, tense as mousetraps,
before sunny windows.
A harsh wet tongue in your ear,
they wake you
to check the time.

Two weeks to go yet, by the sun, but
I'm counting in cat hours.

A fearful crash in the dark,

a cat springs from
an ironing board in
desperate flight

from the idle of winter

to the dizzy adventure
of dusty heights unreached
by cat paws before.

Sleep returns
more slowly than cats
in springtime.

Milly Yon Writers

2010-02-01T13:16:00.000-08:00

The Million Writers Award is now open for nominations. Please go nominate a short story published in an online magazine in 2009.

I Hear Dead People

2010-01-26T06:47:00.000-08:00

According to a new study, nearly 1-in-10 children, ages 7-8, hears disembodied voices on a regular basis, but there is no evidence that this is a signal of impending schizophrenia, according to the scientists.

Uh. That's good to know. However, it does leave unanswered the question, why are they hearing voices?

It is proven that, like dogs, children can hear sounds that adults can't hear. If it's perfectly reasonable that kids can hear a ring tone that adults can't hear, why is it suggestive of possible mental illness that they hear voices that other people can't?

Maybe they really are hearing voices. Did anyone ever consider that possibility?

I suggest an experiment. Give these kids electronic audio recording devices, disguised as event counters, and tell them to press the counter button any time they hear voices. When the button is pressed, the recorder turns on for 60 seconds. After a month, collect the recorders, play back the devices and see if they picked up anything.

Seems a worthwhile experiment if you aren't in the least interested in the future of your scientific career.

Wooooooooooo! Wooooooooooo!

Know What Else?

2010-01-22T07:19:00.000-08:00

Somebody's been reading this website. Welcome to my little part of the world, Senior Presidente.

The Mirror of Erised

2010-01-20T13:08:00.000-08:00

Who's up for a game of 11-dimension Wizard Chess?

Earthquake Clouds Over Haiti

2010-01-14T12:35:00.000-08:00

I was scrolling through a slideshow of the earthquake in Haiti, when I noticed this photo.

Earthquake clouds are said to be linear cloud formations that appear before an earthquake. They look something like the photo above. I'm not sure when this photo was taken, so I can't say whether or not they are genuine earthquake clouds (if there is even such a thing as genuine earthquake clouds).

But that's what they look like to me.

BTW, notice any similarities between the grid pattern of the clouds and the grid pattern of the haarp?

I didn't go there. But former Secretary of Defense Cohen did.

Frash Fliction and the Arrt of Riting

2010-01-12T10:20:00.000-08:00

Mississippi Review's flash fiction issue has just been posted. Sad to say I only liked one story of the bunch - Mr. Cat by Paul Lisicky. I was really hoping to see a collection of what can be accomplished with this unique genre. Alas, most of the stories seem wonderful examples of what's wrong with flash fiction.

What's wrong with flash fiction? I'll let Jason Sanford tell you:

...there is no evidence that short shorts are being read by anyone outside the "literary" community.

If I were teaching creative writing today, I would say to my students, if you want to be successful, this is what you need to do. You need to get your work published in all the best literary journals, and be sure to mention your publication credits at every opportunity. Better yet, win a writing contest somewhere. And even better, get yourself a job teaching creative writing.

But if you want to write great fiction, then get the hell out of my class and go live. Go do something worth writing about. Listen to the words of Shotgun Willie when he tells us:

You can't make a record if you ain't got nothing to say.
You can't make music if you don't know nothing to play.

This is one reason why I'm not teaching creative writing. The other being that nobody will hire me to teach creative writing.

Angels Playing HAARPs

2010-01-12T08:12:00.000-08:00

Last week's bitter cold winter weather curiously enough circled the entire northern hemisphere - from right here in Memphis to North Dakota, Great Britain, Russia, and China. I speculated in my previous post that perhaps the Gulf Stream was weakening.

This piece suggests that it was The Norway Spiral.

Far out, man.

El Nino, or El Gulfo?

2010-01-08T07:46:00.000-08:00

UK freezes in South Pole weather

(UKPA) – 1 hour ago

Temperatures in big-freeze Britain are on a par with the South Pole after the country suffered its coldest night of the winter so far.

The mercury sank to minus 21.6C in the Scottish Highlands early on Friday - close to the minus 22.9C currently at the southernmost part of the globe.

I wonder, is this El Nino? Or is the flow of the Gulf Stream failing?

It's currently 12° F (-11°C) in Memphis.

Mr. Conspiracy's Top 11 Stories of 2009

2009-12-30T10:58:00.000-08:00

Because eleven is better than ten.

#1 - Obama's Birth Certificate
I am surrounded by people who think President Barack Obama is a communist islamofascist antichrist who doesn't celebrate Christmas and took the oath of office either on the Koran or the Satanic Bible (if he even took the oath of office at all), and who isn't even an American citizen.

On the one hand, you have a man who is president. It seems rather unlikely that he could achieve this position if he weren't a US citizen. The only way to accomplish this is if he were groomed from birth by the Illuminati to fulfill the role of Feyd Rautha Harkonnen to George Bush's Beast Rabban. Iraq is Arrakis - hello? Only that can explain how his birth information was faked 40-odd years before his run for president. It was the Bene Gesserit!

On the other hand, you have a man who releases, as his birth certificate, something that is clearly not an official long form birth certificate. Why would he do that?

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Something is being hidden, just not the fact that Obama was born on US soil. I suspect it has something to do with a jackal and the seven daggers of Meggido.

# 2 - Air France Flight 447
I'll just crib my thoughts from a previous post...

So now the plane that broke up in air actually bellyflopped on the water at a high speed. Only earlier today, an almost identical article stated that the plane struck the water vertically. I do wish they would get their lies straight.

The article states that the life jackets were not inflated, indicating the passengers were not prepared for a water landing. However, it takes several minutes, even at a rapid descent, for a plane to drop 38,000 feet - plenty of time for the passengers to prepare for a water landing, and plenty of time for the pilots to issue a distress call.

We are told neither of these things happened.

And do you recall the earlier reports about a flurry of signals indicating a cascade of mechanical and electrical problems leading to complete failure? If this happened as originally reported, how did the pilot manage to bring a plane with complete mechanical failure in for a water landing? If instead the flurry of signals indicated failures after the plane hit the water, why didn't the pilots make a distress call? Do you recall the report from a pilot of another plane in the area, of a bright white light falling for about six seconds?

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - They never found the black boxes, and from what I can see, it appears the belly flop theory didn't fly so now they're back to the massive mechanical failure theory, which can never be proven or disproven. Maybe this was just an accident. But then again...

# 3 - Who in the World was Johanna Ganthaler?
Johanna and Kurt Gunthaler were a couple who narrowly missed AirFrance flight 447, but were later involved in an auto accident, in which Johanna was killed.

However, if you go back one week, you find a story about the four people who missed Flight 447. Strangely, none of these people are named Johanna and Kurt Ganthaler.

Instead, in the earlier article, they are Amina and Claude Jaffiol from Montpellier, France. Claude appears to have some serious connections to an unnamed Dutch diplomat, whom they asked to use his influence to get them on the flight. What sort of Dutch diplomat would have that kind of pull, anyway?

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - A person of a conspiratorial frame of mind might suggest that Amina/Johanna and/or Kurt/Claude were targets of some sort. Such a person might want to know who these people are/were. But as with the plane they either did or didn't miss, we will never learn the truth about her/its fate.

# 4 - Swine Flu
It's gonna get ya. Especially since it has been genetically engineered by the Illuminati as part of their population reduction and enslavement program. Or maybe we're being poisoned by industrial agriculture. Lots of people are reluctant to get the vaccine, especially after the government immunized the vaccine makers from lawsuits. Fear of the flu is being hyped by the media. Vaccines are being recalled because of loss of potency. The vaccine contains thimerosol.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - I stopped paying attention when I learned that the government isn't even tracking swine flu cases. Make no mistake, it's a nasty virus. I know of one person who died of it, one who almost died, and several who said they felt like they were dying. I don't want to catch it, whether or not it's part of an Illumnati conspiracy. So I'm washing my hands and taking vitamin D.

# 5 - Universal Armageddon
In 2009, the US government suddenly classified all data about incoming meteors gathered by our spy satellites. This data, which has no national security implications, has been available to scientists for ten years. The only reason to classify this information now is to hide something that didn't exist before (or existed but wasn't noticed), but that can now be detected in the data. What that is is anybody's guess, because now there is no data.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Curiously enough, the Russians are concerned enough about the Apophis asteroid, which isn't going to hit earth in 2029 (trust me, would I lie to you?), to spend several hundred million dollars sending up a probe or machine to nudge it away so it doesn't hit us, even though it wasn't going to hit us anyway. Makes perfect sense. Right? Right? I feel so much better now.

# 6 - Climategate
Hackers steal emails from climatologists which appear, at first reading, to show how climate data is being modified to make it fit the global warming narrative. Later explanations do a half-assed job of debunking the Climategate claims. Al Gore is rich and poised to get richer off global warming hysteria, so he can't be honest about Cap'n Trade legislation, therefore we should listen to Rush Limbaugh, who is rich and poised to get richer off global warming denial. I'm so confused.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Sorry, no links because this story doesn't hurdle my admittedly low bar of credibility. The ice caps are melting, Butt Munch. The story certainly captured the corporate media imagination, thus it's inclusion in this perfidious list. But isn't it amazing what intelligent, respectable people will believe, only to turn around and scoff at...

# 7 - UFOs
The Norway Spiral. UFO Cloud over Moscow. And Romania. Pyramid UFO over Moscow. The aliens must have got tired of dodging jackrabbits over Stevensville, Texas, and headed to Europe for the season.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Of all the UFO stories this year, the Norway Spiral most interests me because of the media's willingness to accept a ridiculous cover story that doesn't come close to explaining what people saw. This really is a new twist on the old swamp gas temperature inversion explanation swallowed by the media in years gone by. Watch the video in that link. It may not be a UFO, but it sure as hell isn't a missile test.

For a perfect example of why you shouldn't believe what they tell you, here is a photo and accompanying explanation which says UFO-shaped lenticular clouds are usually formed by gravity waves. That's pretty amazing, since my science book says Cal Tech built the LIGO observatory to try to detect gravity waves, which have never been detected, but maybe my science book is out of date. They spent all that money, when all they needed to do was watch some clouds?

# 8 - Kosher Meat
Top rabbis in New Jersey are arrested for trafficking in human organs. Israeli fertility doctors caught selling human eggs. The leading newspaper in Sweden runs a story accusing Israel of taking organs from dead Palestinians. An Israeli doctor admits to organ theft in the 90's.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Gilead Atzmon sums it up. Truth is, illegal human organ trafficking takes place all over the world. Human organs sell for thousands of dollars each, but the world's a much nicer place if we pretend doctors aren't greedy bastards who will kill you for your beautiful kidneys.

# 9 - There Be Pirates Here and There
Speaking of greedy bastards, two stories of piracy captured the public imagination this year.

First, we had the infamous Somali pirates. Earlier this year, I wondered why the navies of the world are so helpless against a bunch of hillbillies in fishing boats, but they finally got their act together, culminating with the captured American crew who were rescued by Navy Seals. However, the story behind the story of the Somali pirates is how their coasts and fishing waters have been poisoned by illegal dumping of toxic and possibly radioactive substances by... the nations of the world, who had to be dragged kicking and screaming into cracking down on the pirates, almost as though they were reluctant to draw too much attention to their dumping grounds.

Next, there was the mysterious hijacking of the Russian cargo ship Arctic Sea. Found weeks later in the Atlantic, eight hijackers were captured by the Russian navy. The ship was supposedly loaded with timber from Finland, but there is speculation that something quite different was aboard, possibly weapons. That they were weapons bound for Iran seems to be the motive behind Netanyahu's mysterious disappearance and secret meeting with Putin. Or maybe he went to secure the release of the Israeli agents who hijacked the ship?

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Throughout history, most acts of piracy have been conducted by official and unofficial representatives of some nation. That hasn't changed, even in Somalia.

# 10 - Blackwater Fever
Speaking of pirates and greedy bastards, Pakistan's former army chief of staff accused the American mercenary corporation Blackwater USA (now Xe) of being involved in the assassinations of Benazir Bhutto and Rafiq Hariri. Bhutto was murdered shortly after confirming that Osama bin Laden is dead.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - No reason not to believe anything about these inglorious basterds.

#11 - The ABC's of GB
ABC stands for Alien Big Cat, and refers to stories about panthers, pumas and leopards spotted in the English countryside. These stories go back decades, and despite the large number of witnesses and the very real possibility that a population of escaped panthera could very well exist, considering British imperial history, tales of ABCs were relegated to the world of Bigfoot and Loch Ness.

Until 2009, when big cats were filmed by rangers in the Forest of Dean. Curiously, it took a Freedom of Information Act request before this news was released. Wonder why.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Given the likelihood these animals were always there, why is this an important story? Because for years, ABCs were debunked on much the same grounds as Bigfoot, Loch Ness, and many another cryptid. If there are so many of these cats roaming the English countryside, why hasn't one been shot? Or hit by a car? Why hasn't anyone even found a body? Or bones?

Sound familiar? Yet, despite the most reasonable and logical assertions of the debunkers, there really are large, predatory felines roaming the English countryside. So beware. Beware!

Honorable Mention - Bigfoot Photo
Speaking of Bigfoot, check out this story of two brothers who set out a game trail camera in preparation for deer hunting season, only to capture a photo of something tall, hairy and bipedal. I'm not entirely convinced by this photo, especially after the Georgia hunters who hoaxed a Bigfoot body in 2008.

Honorable Mention - Time Magazine's Person of the Year
Neda Agha Soltan was selected as Time's Person of the Year, after she was shot at a protest over the rigging of the election in Iran. Only, was she a real person, and was she ever shot? This theory suggests that the heartbreaking video of her last moments is just too good to be true, while the doctor who was on hand to perform CPR has given two conflicting accounts of the shooter (version 1, version 2). Iran denies being involved and blames the CIA. This story is almost worthy of a spot in the top ten list, since, if true, it would fit into the ongoing narrative of the propaganda build-up to war with Iran.

***

The Inaugural Appalachian Trail Award for conspiratorial ineptitude goes to South Carolina governor Mark Sanford and his attempt to explain his secret visit to his mistress in Argentina by saying he was out "hiking the Appalachian Trail." This cover story was so implausible, not even the lapdog media (beyond a few Wall Street Journal and Washington Times maroons) were willing to buy it. It would have been better for Sanford if he'd said he was kidnapped by aliens and forced to mate with Bigfoot.

The winner of the Appalachian Trail Award is recognized for contributing to the Too Stupid to Pull It Off (TSPIO) theory of skeptical debunking.

Mr. Conspiracy Wonders

2009-12-23T08:37:00.000-08:00

The (swine flu) vaccine recall is the second this month caused by declining potency and comes as public health officials urge millions of Americans to get vaccinated against swine flu. - link

Mr. Conspiracy wonders, what is this lack of potency of which they speak? Perhaps it is the lack of a massive epidemic, which was supposed to be delivered via the vaccine. They're wondering what went wrong, why aren't more innoculated people dying, why is the most dangerous epidemic evah winding down just when flu season is shifting into high gear?

Hopefully Governor 'The Body' Ventura will get to the bottom of this mystery. Are you of "The Body?"

Rollin' on the River

2009-12-22T11:41:00.000-08:00

Google's satellite maps are teh awesome. Check out this whirlpool on the Mississippi River.

Yes, Virginia, There is a Conscience Clause

2009-12-21T14:09:00.000-08:00

A Conscience Clause, law in many states, allows a pharmacist to refuse to fill certain prescriptions based on religious or moral reasons. The most obvious example is the pharmacist who refuses to fill a prescription for birth control pills.

So my question to Santa, CVS and Target is, would a pharmacist of a certain religion (we'll call him El Ron, for kicks) be allowed to refuse to fill a prescription for Ritalin, Adderall, Prozac, Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Cymbalta, etc.?

Or would it only be ok to refuse if it was for a female patient?

Ho Ho Ho

Super Twins

2009-12-17T09:17:00.000-08:00

Slow day, so here's some cats being... slow.

Oral Gone Home

2009-12-15T13:17:00.000-08:00

Oral Roberts, finally "called home" by God. Um-hmm.

De children ov de night, vhat muzik dey make.

How to Spot a Troll

2009-12-14T12:58:00.000-08:00

They're made extremely uncomfortable by any reference to their species.

For example, an unknown creatures challenges your passage on a bridge. You could attempt to identify it by calling it a troll.

If it objects to this label, it is most likely a troll. Proceed with caution.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the Greatest Band in the World...

2009-12-08T19:32:00.000-08:00

Little did I know that when I adopted these cats, I was adopting the reincarnation of half of the band KISS.

Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley

Early KISS, of course, ca. Hotter than Hell.

Or maybe they're Bert and Ernie. I never can tell.

Seriously?

2009-12-04T08:06:00.000-08:00

US Marines launch Operation Cobra's Anger in Afganistan.

Cobra's Anger? Seriously, the US military needs to hire a writer.

The Other Slipper

2009-11-27T09:31:00.000-08:00

Sein und Werden magazine is folding, so I've decided to post my story from their fairy tale themed issue of several years ago. The Other Slipper is now ready for all beautiful young maidens of the kingdom to try upon their dainty delicious feet.

Isn't It Amazing

2009-11-27T07:54:00.000-08:00

No one thought this might be a bit foolish?

A city of billionaires on the edge of a barren wasteland in the middle of a political mine field? Where do I sign up?

Another Reason Not to Fly

2009-11-19T08:11:00.000-08:00

Massive failure of FAA computer systems today.

Mr. Conspiracy would like to know - glitch? Or hack?

My magic 8-ball says hack.

But if it were a hack, would they tell us? Not if they want to prevent the implosion of the vulnerable airline industry.

Clash of the Please God No

2009-11-11T10:29:00.000-08:00

Just when you think Hollywood can't get any more pathetically unoriginal, they remake Clash of the Titans.

Meet the Stupids

2009-11-06T07:32:00.000-08:00

This is what watching too much Disney will do to you.

Note the expressions of delight on the faces of Mr. and Mrs. Stupid in the front seat. But won't they be surprised, and won't there be many questions asked, when somebody gets his happy smiling face bitten off?

The woman in the back seat has enough sense to be alarmed.

Also note - the engine and headlamps of this vehicle are valuable enought to install a screen to protect them from the wildlife. But not the passengers!

Justin Thyme

2009-11-05T10:23:00.000-08:00

I've just posted ~~two~~ three more installments to my original Dragonlance/Nehwon crossover fan fiction story, Across World Bubbles.

Just in time for Christmas, issue #10 of the fantastic comic/fiction magazine Murky Depths is out. It includes my postmodern fairy tale, Christmas Miracle, penned under the unintentional pseudonym, Jeff Cook. Please buy a copy, or better yet, subscribe, so you won't miss my upcoming Western monster horror story, Warm August Tequila.

Breaking Addictions

2009-10-27T11:59:00.000-07:00

If you've seen my previous post about quitting smoking, I make something of a hobby of breaking addictions. I am now 15 years without cigarettes, 6 years without Coca-Cola.

Now I am one month without chocolate, and it has been teeeerrrrriiiiibbbbbllllleeeeee. The other day, I was buying some ice cream and realized, I can't have chocolate ice cream. I can't have a chocolate eclair. I can't even have a chocolate donut. Never mind the dark chocolate that I love. I have given it all up.

Why? For years I have had this pain in my right side. When it first appeared, a doctor checked me for gall stones and liver disease and there was nothing there. But the pain was always there, sometimes bad, sometimes not, but always there. About a month ago, I had the idea that maybe it was something I was eating.

What is the one thing that I eat every day? After thinking about it for a long time, I realized that the only thing I ate every day, or almost every day, was chocolate. As an experiment, I quit eating chocolate. After about a week the pain in my side went away. I still get twinges, but for the most part it is gone. I also feel better overall.

But dear God in heaven, why did it have to be chocolate?

Across World Bubbles - Dragonlance/Nehwon Crossover Fan Fiction

2009-10-23T10:17:00.000-07:00

I've just posted the first part of a Dragonlance/Nehwon crossover fan fiction story I wrote almost 16 years ago. Do take a look.

The rejection letter for this story, which I still have, is dated February 28, 1994. Why do I still have it? Because it was the first rejection letter I ever received in which I got a hint that a story of mine, under different circumstances, might have been published. It reads, "TSR doesn't own the rights to Fritz Leiber's characters for new fiction, only for games. The resulting legal hassle (sadly) makes the story unpublishable."

Sadly, it says. Isn't it amazing how one kind word can inspire a frustrated author to keep trying? Later that year, the same editor bought an adventure of mine for publication in Dungeon magazine, and thus my writing career heaved itself up from the unappreciated muck and shouted to the impersonal heavens, You like me! You really do like me!

hey doorknobs, how about some dragonlance fan fiction?

2009-09-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

Before I became a Dragonlance author, I was a Dragonlance fan fiction author. Back then, there weren't any websites for fan fiction and we carved our stories on stone tablets and left them in temples for monks to copy and illuminate.

I've just posted one of my first Dragonlance fan fiction stories, written in the early 90s. It's about one of our most favorite characters - Tasslehoff Burrfoot. I think it captures the pre-Summer Flame innocence of the world of Krynn. If you're a Dragonlance fan, I think you'll like it. Go take a gander. Just make sure you put it back when you're done, or the geese will be sore.

Legally Dead

BTW, I have another bit of fan fiction I will be posting soon. It's a Dragonlance-Nehwon crossover once again involving that incorrigible kender, Tasslehoff.

so let it be done

2009-09-23T14:33:00.000-07:00

Now that I am finally finished writing The Sword of the Prophet, I've been doing some of the administrative work today, trying to recall everything that went into the writing of it. So here are some facts.

The current word count is 124,500, 71 chapters, 432 MS Word pages in 12-point double-spaced font. That will change with revisions, but it gives you some idea of the size of this work.

I got the original idea for this story many years ago. I don't remember the exact year, but do know the exact circumstances. Dungeons and Dragons 3.0 was in beta and I was a beta-tester DM. I began to design an adventure that gave birth to the idea for this story, and to one of its main characters - Paragon d'Ironwood. I queried Dungeon magazine with the adventure and they were interested in seeing the full treatment, but alas I never finished writing it.

Some time later I met Jolly Blackburn at a convention and he told me the Kingdoms of Kalamar people were interested in doing a Kalamar novel, so I wrote out the adventure idea as a novel outline, set in Kalamar. That never went anywhere, so I decided to reset the novel during the Crusader period of earth.

But instead of writing the novel, I wrote a screenplay that came out at a whopping 180 pages long. So I cut it down, eliminated some characters, and submitted it to the Bluecat competition, where it received a very favorable review and some excellent pointers on ways to improve the plot.

In 2006, I began writing the novel based on the screenplay. Then I stopped and wrote a different novel. In 2007 I picked it up again, then stopped and wrote a different novel. Then I rewrote the 2006 novel, then in 2008 I rewrote the 2007 novel. Finally I picked it up again in 2009 and have been working on it unsteadily since about April.

This is not only the longest novel I've ever written, it has taken me longer to write than any novel I've ever written. Hopefully the next one will come a little quicker. Now comes the editing - after I've had a break from it.

do I have shit on my nose?

2009-09-23T08:11:00.000-07:00

Reading agent blogs is usually quite enlightening. You get into the mind of the agent to find out what they really think, and that can help (I suppose) to finally land that particular agent for your novel. Grain of salt alert - what one agent proclaims as law may not be what another agent believes at all. Improve your situational awareness before rolling in on your target.

But reading the comment sections of agent blogs is usually an embarrassing tour through the museum of total ass-suckery. Two recent examples of advanced salad tossing evolutions here and here. It really is enough to make you ashamed of the human race.

so let it be written

2009-09-22T21:11:00.000-07:00

Just finished writing my magnum opus, the greatest work of heroic fiction I have ever attempted - a 125,000 word epic called The Sword of the Prophet. This novel has been years in the making and I have just written its last word.

More on this tomorrow. For now, I am utterly unspooled. Must find bed.

Happy Birthday, Bilbo and Frodo

2009-09-22T08:36:00.000-07:00

I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.

Dan Brown Attic Again

2009-09-15T10:19:00.000-07:00

So after ripping off Baigent and Leigh's Holy Blood, Holy Grail to write The Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown is back, ripping off Baigent and Leigh's The Temple and the Lodge to write The Lost Symbol.

Seriously, though, Baigent and Leigh published their books as nonfiction, therefore any fiction based on it is fair game, just as I can write a science fiction based on science research or fantasy based on archaelogical or historical research.

However, if Baigent and Leigh had admitted their work was fictional in nature rather than scholarly, who could honestly say that Dan Brown didn't steal all their best ideas? And he's still doing it.

Dan, thy name is R.F.Chutzpah.

behold! the week of cats

2009-09-15T08:43:00.000-07:00

On the first day, there was an itch. It was scratched, and it was good.

On the second day, there was the stalking of bare feet. And it was good.

On the third day, there were cats in the laundry. And it was good.

On the fourth day, they moved to the ironing board and pretended to be sphinxes. This, too, was good.

On the fifth day, they relocated to the underwear drawer. And it was good, though not so good as the ironing board.

On the sixth day, there was smugness. And it was very good.

On the seventh day, they rested. Verily, unto the noon.

False Advertising

2009-09-14T19:08:00.000-07:00

If you have the Yahoo toolbar on your browser, have you noticed lately that it says you have new emails waiting when you actually don't?

At first I thought it was just a bug. But after clicking on it a dozen times or so and finding no new email messages, it finally dawned on me what Yahoo is doing.

They're driving traffic and spinning their hit counters. The toolbar equivalent of phishing.

I wonder if Yahoo's advertisers realize they're paying for empty clicks.

Trying Not to Quit

2009-09-04T13:26:00.000-07:00

I'm coming up on my 15 year anniversary of quitting smoking. Over the years I've seen a lot of people try to quit smoking and fail, I've seen people quit smoking then start back after months or even years. And I've even seen a few people quit and stay quit, like my lovely wife.

I've been asked before how I quit, and I tell people quitting is easy. It's staying quit that's hard. I'm finally at a point in my life where I no longer crave cigarettes. The fact that this was about a 10 year battle to reach this point - where I wouldn't smoke a cigarette even if I could get away with it - tells you what you're facing if you're thinking about quitting. If you think you'll be in control in a week or a month or even a year, you're wrong.

So here's a little test to see if you're ready to quit.

1. Do you plan to gradually reduce how much you smoke before finally quitting? Do you plan to use a patch or other supplement to help you reduce your need for nicotine so you don't smoke as much?

2. Do you believe that once you have quit, you should be able to have a cigarette now and then, such as a reward for a job well done, or when you have a really bad day?

3. Do you want to quit for someone, like your spouse, lover, or children, or because your doctor says you need to, or because it's bad for you, or because it's too expensive?

If you answer yes to any of these questions, I can guaran-damn-tee you will be smoking a pack a day again before the year is out. You might as well not even try to quit, because you're just going to disappoint yourself.

If you answer yes to any of these questions, you aren't really trying to quit smoking. What you're doing is trying not to quit smoking. You really honestly don't want to quit, so you're blaming other people and telling yourself they're forcing you to quit, or you're hanging on to your cigarettes as long as you can while you pretend you are in the process of quitting and pat yourself on the back for it. As Yoda said, there is no try. You either quit, or you're still smoking.

I've talked to people who have quit smoking and stayed quit for more than 10 years. I believe there is a pattern, both to how they quit and the philosophical and motivational factors that have kept them quitters ever since.

1. They didn't plan to quit. I quit smoking because I accidentally left my smokes at home one day and since I had no money with me to buy more, I decided to see if I could make it the whole day without smoking. My father got extremely sick on a business trip and cigarettes made him feel worse, but he didn't start back after he recovered. My wife stopped the day she found out she was pregnant. We all had been thinking about quitting, obviously, but not specifically planning for it. Instead, events transpired that provided us with the opportunity to make that decision. It's a matter of seizing the opportunity.

2. They wanted to quit more than they wanted to smoke. It really is a matter of wanting to quit. Until you want to quit, you won't quit.

3. They quit cold turkey. They didn't wean themselves off. They just stopped. Boom. The end. My wife used the patch to help wean herself off nicotine, but she did not smoke a cigarette (see below). Her father quit cold turkey. I quit cold turkey. But it's not how you quit that's important, it your decision to not start back that makes the difference.

4. They understood that under no circumstances can you ever have another cigarette. Ever. There is no backsliding. There is no forgiveness. You cannot have a bad day. You cannot reward yourself. You cannot 'just have one' at a party or a bar or after a particularly wonderful sexual experience or after you wreck your car or break up with your girlfriend or sign the divorce papers. You have to be able to look that situation in the face and say no, not this time. You can't have one. You just can't. Ever. Sorry. It's not fair, but if you want to quit, you have to resign yourself to the fact that you will never under any circumstances put a cigarette in your mouth. If you can't accept this, if you allow yourself even one special dispensation, if you sell yourself one indulgence, you will become a smoker again. Maybe not that day. Maybe not that week or even that year, but it will happen eventually.

I don't really understand the mechanics of addiction. I don't know how it works on the biological level. I quit drinking Cokes about six years ago and I still crave them. The chemical receptors that crave this substance can't still be active in my body after all this time, so something else is happening. Addiction is more than simple chemical dependency, and quitting is more than starving those receptors to death.

Therefore, breaking an addiction is more than breaking the chemical dependency. No drug can make you stop smoking. Nothing in the world can break you of an addiction except your desire to be free of it. Once you make that decision, there are drugs and techniques to help you wean yourself from the chemical dependency, but only your conscious desire to stop will stop the addictive activity.

When my wife quit, she used the patch. Nicotine isn't what you're addicted to. Nicotine facilitates the addiction, it provides the cookie that rewards the behavior, but the behavior is the key. The behavior is what is so hard to quit. For months after I quit, I'd catch myself at quiet moments feeling in my pocket for my cigarettes. For years after, I would dream of smoking. The social activity of smoking is what I missed most. It filled the moments of my life. And it has taken years to find new ways to fill those moments without addictive chemical rewards. But it is a struggle to find that personal peace that allows you to sit quietly outside and not light up even when everyone around you is smoking.

So if you're thinking of quitting, good. You can do it, provided you really want to. Don't plan to quit, just prepare for it and be ready to seize your opportunity . Once you have quit, know that you can never go back. Burn your ships behind you, and be prepared for a decade of struggle to stay quit. Once you have accepted these precepts, it really isn't that hard to stop smoking forever. Honestly. It's not as hard as you think it is.

a writer's tale in second person

2009-09-01T06:24:00.000-07:00

You send a story off to a magazine and it's rejected. Fine. Happens all the time. No big deal, you say to yourself.

The slush editor is kind enough to note some things about the story and why he rejected it. Not many do that. Good for him.

The problem is, what the slush editor describes in no way resembles the story you sent him. For example, he says, use fewer adverbs. Get right into your story, he says. He says, this is an interesting alternate history of Genghis Khan, but not really what I'm looking for.

So you go back and look at your story and you realize that the only way you could use fewer adverbs is if you used no adverbs. And somebody dies in the first paragraph. And it's not about Genghis Khan.

Where, you want to ask, are all these adverbs? How much sooner must you get into a story than the first paragraph? And Genghis Khan? Genghis H. Khan! But you dare not ask, because you don't want to get on the bad side of the editors.

You realize this slush editor has probably spent too much time commenting on writing forums and attending workshops or (God forbid) leading workshops, and has had his head filled with all the textbook dos and don'ts that workshop leaders employ to fill time and justify the money and hope people expend attending them. He wants the monster to appear on the first page of your story. He thinks because you used Mongol-sounding names that your story is an alternate history of Genghis Khan. And he can't be bothered to overcome his lazy, mistaken first impressions because his attention span has been rotted to the thickness of a hair by texting and twitter.

But that's ok because the attention span of his readers is just as threadbare.

And so you move along, quietly, smiling to yourself. It's a lovely day. You make ice cream and take a nap and after a while you're glad you deleted that pithy reply email before sending it. Because it's just not worth the trouble. When you argue with idiots, you always lose.

safe to say this probably will not turn out well

2009-08-31T09:21:00.000-07:00

Disney is buying Marvel.

Hulk no like wearing stupid mouse hat. Hulk smash.

Predicting the Future

2009-08-26T07:32:00.000-07:00

via Atrios

In 10,000 years, some archaeologist will discover this and describe it as an elaborate temple complex.

Then someone else will say aliens helped us build it.

Unpaid Advertisement

2009-08-25T08:06:00.000-07:00

uhhhhhhh

2009-08-21T11:49:00.001-07:00

I Think I'm in Love

2009-08-21T07:26:00.001-07:00

With this awesome website.

I mean, come on! A fansite dedicated to heroic fantasy and sword and sorcery? Named The Cimmerian?

Please, God, let them call me.

Pointing Out the Obvious

2009-08-20T14:12:00.000-07:00

From an ad for GM auto insurance:

I still wouldn't be able to afford this car.

Your Modern GOOP

2009-08-19T13:02:00.000-07:00

Palin'nglui deth'panl! Cthulhu R'lymbaugh wgah'nobama fhascist!

All hail the Great Old Ones Party.

Please note that the three stars at the top of the logo have not been altered. In the actual GOP logo, they really are point-down. What can that possibly symbolize?

I'm not sayin'.

I'm just sayin'. That's a bit weird, don't you think?

Soccer Fix

2009-08-17T09:04:00.001-07:00

Got my Barclay's Premiere League fix this weekend, feeling much better now.

The first game Saturday, Everton vs. Arsenal, was just awful. Arsenal scored at will against the Everton defence. They were beautiful goals, and Arsenal's play was sharp for the most part, but still, you expect Everton to be more competitive. They are better than they played.

The Burnley vs. Stoke City match was much better. I'm liking Burnley, even though they lost. They just moved up to the Premiere League, so they've got a lot to prove, and in the second half they proved they can play at this level. Playing is one thing. To compete, they need to learn how to finish. Players to watch are Wade Elliot and newly-signed Fernando Cuerrero.

Counting It Down

2009-08-13T19:21:00.001-07:00

Only two more days until English Premiere League football season begins! Ladies and Gentlemen, program your TiVo!

I hear it's also getting close to our local football season. Different game altogether, though. Imagine my surprise.

Plan 9 from Outer Hollywood

2009-08-13T12:34:00.000-07:00

Peter Jackson - "District 9' is not reflective of any movie that I can imagine. It's really very original, which I love about it, and that's totally Neill."

Haven't seen the movie, but Jackson's comment is just rubbish. Here's the description from the article in the LA Times:

Hundreds of thousands of aliens become stranded in South Africa after their massive spaceship comes to a standstill above downtown Johannesburg. Unable to fix the craft, this massive population of tentacle-waving, exoskeleton-sheathed aliens eventually outstays its welcome; they become reviled by humans for burdening the country's welfare system even though all they really want to do is go home.

Well, except for being set in South Africa instead of LA, and the aliens wanting to go home, this sounds like the plot of Alien Nation. From IMDB:

A few years from now, Earth will have the first contact with an alien civilisation. These aliens, known as Newcomers, slowly begin to be integrated into human society after years of quarantine but are victims of a new type of discrimination.

Hopefully, District 9 won't devolve into Lethal Weapon with Gills, like Alien Nation did.

Nifty New Widget and the Principles of Book Cover Design

2009-08-13T11:17:00.000-07:00

If you notice to the right, I've installed a new widget from Amazon. It's a book carousel displaying my four novels and six anthologies in which I have stories. Go ahead and spin it. It's pretty cool.

While playing with the carousel, I noticed something quite striking about the book covers. Some of them are easy to read, even as thumbnails. Some are not. This differences provide a good lesson in effective book cover design.

No matter how evocative the art when see full-sized, no matter how clever or interesting the font, if it can't be seen as a thumbnail, it isn't a good design.

Black Dragon, White Dragon has a cool cover, but as a thumbnail it is too dark and you can't read the title. Tales of Fantasy has a better title design but suffers equally in the art department. The Thieves' Guild has evocative art, but looking at this thumbnail you would think the title is Crossroads, if you could read it. Still, it's not a bad cover. The Rose and the Skull, Relics and Omens, and Rebels and Tyrants all fail artistically because they either fail to evoke movement (R&T) or are too small and detailed to get across the message. Relics also has poor font design. Warrior Wisewoman has a nice, clear, evocative image, but the title gets somewhat lost. The Futures from Nature cover looks like it has a pile of shoes on the cover.

The best covers are Dark Thane and Conundrum. The titles are easy to read, the images easy to see. Dark Thane has a dark cover, but the artist has nicely contrasted the darker elements with a light background. There's a lot of action and conflict suggested in this cover. Conundrum is also good, even though the interesting parts are small and still, because they draw attention to themselves through the separation and strangeness of asymmetry, almost like a zen watercolor.

But a thumbnail is no way to judge a book by its cover, says you. What better way to judge it, says I? The purpose of the cover is to attract and hold the attention of a prospective buyer. You only have a few miliseconds to grab their attention as they walk through the bookstore or browse the website. Wherever they see the book the first time, more than likely they will see it about the size of a thumbnail. On a website it will definitely be a thumbnail, but in a bookstore it will appear to be about the same size, when seen from 8-10 feet away. So a book's cover simply must work in thumbnail size, if it is to grab the reader's attention.

To accomplish this, you need a clear, easy-to-read, yet unique font, and iconic artwork that is simple and engaging, easily identifiable, and instantly evocative.

I'm No Astrologer, But...

2009-08-12T07:34:00.000-07:00

... doesn't a planet in a highly elliptical retrograde orbit seem more likely to be a captured planet than one whose orbit has been reversed by a close call with another planet?

Thundercats, Hoooooo!

2009-08-05T19:32:00.000-07:00

Meet the newest members of our organization. This is Dex, aka Dexter. He prefers not to reveal his secret identity.

This is Jazz, aka Jasmine, aka Princess Jasmine, aka Jazzy Cat. She also is wary of revealing herself.

And here they are together, day 3, in their new home, still under flea quarantine, 10 weeks old and ready to begin their superherocat training. Jazz is the one with the soul patch, of course, and Dexter is the one on the left, appropriately enough.

Here they are in their top secret training facility.

Who will win the Sword of Thundara? Stay tooned.

Update: Dexter was not named after the HBO serial killer. We needed a name that started with D, because originally Dexter was Daisy. Oops.

Speaking of 3:AM

2009-07-30T08:35:00.000-07:00

I've just posted a story over at Big Bamboo. 3:35 was originally published at Horror D'ouevres.

A Plea for Help

2009-07-29T06:16:00.001-07:00

To all parents of young children (of which I am one) - please teach your children basic table manners. I'm not talking about eating with one hand in your lap or which fork to use with which course. I'm talking about disgusting mouth noises.

One day your child will lose a friend, anger a coworker (and possibly lose a job), fail in a job interview, annoy a prospective client and lose a contract, or bomb out on a date, for the simple reason that you never taught them to eat with their mouth closed. Few things are more disgusting than sitting across the table, or sharing a space like an office cubicle or a bus seat, with a person who cannot , for example, eat an apple without an accompanying symphony of sucking, smacking, grunting noises. The worst part is, this person usually has no clue that their barnyard eating habits are impacting those around them, making them want to leave at the earliest opportunity. They're just happily munching on an apple - like a horse.

And that, dear parents, is your fault and your fault alone. So please, think of your children. Think of their future. Teach them to shut their cake holes. Because if you don't, no one else will.

Flush Month

2009-07-20T07:46:00.000-07:00

Summertime and the livin's easy. Catfish are jumpin', and the good times keep rolling in. So far this month I've put up 5 quarts of peaches, 6 quarts of peas, and 9 quarts of creamed corn. Tonight I'll be canning beans. We also have a counter covered with tomatoes, some of the ugliest and best tomatos I've ever grown, though certainly not the largest. Four of my plants came from here this year, including the purple calabash - an enormous, sprawling plant which produces an insane number of small, hideously deformed tomatoes in Joker purple-and-green.

And as predicted, July is also the month for short fiction. I just sold another story to Murky Depths.

Now, if only an agent will sign on to represent my novel, everything will be swell.

Remember to flush.

Candy's Man

2009-07-15T06:51:00.000-07:00

I just wanted to say...

Candy's Man is up at 3:AM. Magazine, that is. Ha ha.

Tomato Art 2

2009-07-14T07:54:00.001-07:00

I am not an animal, he declared.

I am two tomatoes.

Tomato Art 1

2009-07-14T07:49:00.000-07:00

Ugly is the new beautiful in this artfully rendered shot of two purple calabash alien tomato fetuses, male and shemale.

Yay Me Woohoo

2009-07-13T09:26:00.001-07:00

As I predicted several months ago, July has arrived and with it two short fiction sales. Hoodyhoo!

First up - Eating Cooks and Magic Rings, to be published in Crow Toes Quarterly. This is a Middle Grade fantasy about a girl, her little brother, their sorcerous father, their duplicitous cook, and the surprising creature who flies through the kitchen window one day. Crow Toes Quarterly is a slick kids magazine with excellent production values and equally excellent tastes in fiction, if I do say so myself. This is my first sale in the Middle Grade market and hopefully bodes well for my future designs upon Young Adult fantasy.

Next - Candy's Man, to be published in 3:AM Magazine. Candy visits the man who murdered her husband and finds he isn't quite what she imagined him to be. 3:AM is another surprising find. High quality with tons of content and a hip style (much hipper than me), this is what an online magazine should be.

For the full list of my published and to-be-published fiction, you know what to do.

Peeple R Stoopid

2009-07-13T09:18:00.001-07:00

Here is the amazing story of Charlie Brown and the German pilot who decided not to shoot him down.

I know, I know, if it had been Snoopy, the Red Baron would have blown him out of the sky. Feel free to make your own jokes.

That' s not why I'm posting this. I'm posting this because I received this story in an email. At the bottom of the email I found this inspirational observation:

THIS WAS BACK IN THE DAYS WHEN THERE WAS HONOR IN BEING A WARRIOR...THEY PROUDLY WORE UNIFORMS, AND THEY DIDN'T HIDE IN AMBUSH INSIDE A MOSQUE, OR BEHIND WOMEN AND CHILDREN, NOR DID THEY USE MENTALLY RETARDED WOMEN AS SUICIDE BOMBERS TO TARGET AND KILL INNOCENT CIVILIANS...HOW TIMES HAVE CHANGED.

No, all they did was wear their uniforms while murdering 6 million Jews. All they did was plunge the world into a war in which 50-70 million people died. Lest we forget...

Ah, those were the days.

Say Can I Have Some of Your Purple 'Maters?

2009-07-08T19:26:00.000-07:00

Yes, I've been eating them for six or seven days now

Haven't got sick once.

Prob'ly keep us both alive.

Predictability in Stories

2009-07-08T13:48:00.000-07:00

One thing in the life of a writer is predictable - rejection.

And one type of rejection is predictable - the "predictable story" rejection.

But I sometimes wonder what is a predictable story. Some stories are perfectly predictable. The Notebook is predictable. You know, as soon as he walks into the room with his demented wife, not only is she going to become lucent and remember their love, she is also going to very quickly forget and become a hostile stranger. That is the inevitable nature of the tragedy, but the fact that anyone with half a brain could predict what would happen did not in any way diminish its enormous popularity or the dramatic impact of the story.

Too often editors reject stories for being predictable, when that story could not be told without somebody guessing what would happen. It's just not possible to write a truly, universally surprising story. Did you guess that Odysseus would make it home and kill the suitors? So did I. My brother guessed, within ten minutes of the start of the movie, what would happen at the end of The Sixth Sense. Did you?

You also have to wonder when that predictability check box gets checked. Does it get checked on page one, or does it get checked on page thirteen of a sixteen page story? When is something predictable and when is it inevitable? It's a fine distinction.

My suspicion is that editors, especially editors of Big Important Magazines, use predictable , along with seeing a lot of (fill in the blank) type of stories recently and just bought a story like this to give themselves an excuse not to publish a story. Because if they published every publishable story that came across their desk, there wouldn't be room in the magazine for the big names who bring in the subscriptions and retail sales.

Nobody predicted this would be easy.

Some Days the Conspiracy Theories Just Write Themselves

2009-07-02T09:45:00.000-07:00

So now the plane that broke up in air actually bellyflopped on the water at a high speed. Only earlier today, an almost identical article stated that the plane struck the water vertically. I do wish they would get their lies straight.

The article states that the life jackets were not inflated, indicating the passengers were not prepared for a water landing. However, it takes several minutes, even at a rapid descent, for a plane to drop 38,000 feet - plenty of time for the passengers to prepare for a water landing, and plenty of time for the pilots to issue a distress call.

We are told neither of these things happened.

And do you recall the earlier reports about a flurry of signals indicating a cascade of mechanical and electrical problems leading to complete failure? If this happened as originally reported, how did the pilot manage to bring a plane with complete mechanical failure in for a water landing? If instead the flurry of signals indicated failures after the plane hit the water, why didn't the pilots make a distress call? Do you recall the report from a pilot of another plane in the area, of a bright white light falling for about six seconds?

Taken together, what they are reporting today makes no sense. Therefore, something is either being left out, or something is misrepresented.

But I will point out that there is another case of an aircraft making a rapid dive toward the water without issuing a distress signal. That aircraft was Egypt Air Flight 990.

Now let me crawl all the way out on that precarious limb of conjecture. There is a Hollywood depiction of a very similar incident. Completely unintentional, I'm sure, but revealing. It occurs in the movie "The Incredibles." Perhaps you've seen it. In the movie, Elastigirl, Mrs. Incredible, is flying a government Lear jet when her plane is attacked by surface-air missiles. (Now you know where I'm going with this, but please do follow along.) Pilots will tell you that her pilot jargon is quite accurate in this emergency situation, indicating that the writers had researched what pilots (probably military pilots) are taught to say when fired on by a friendly force, since civilian pilots should never have need of such information. Should.

We know what they are taught to say, but what are they taught to do? I'm sorry I don't have a source for this, as it comes from a documentary I saw many years ago. In this show, they were talking about what a pilot in Vietnam would do to try to evade a SAM. The best solution, it was discovered, was to... drumroll please... put the plane into a steep dive.

That's exactly what Elastigirl does. She puts the plane into a steep dive, so fast the kids don't even have time to put on their seatbelts (or inflate their lifejackets) and they end up weightless and flying all over the place (see Vomit Comet). She dives the plane toward the ocean while releasing countermeasures, then pulls up hard at the last second... bellyflopping the plane on the water at high speed. Then, incredibly, the plane keeps flying, more missiles come in and blow it up.

I'm not saying this is what happened to Air France or Egypt Air, only that what you see in The Incredibles is very similar to the reported flight paths of both these disasters. The only things missing are A. the distress calls and B. the missiles. In both cases (if the reporting is correct), the pilots initiated manuevers as though they believed they were under attack. In both cases, the pilots failed to issue a distress call. This omission of the distress call is what is called in the sleuthing business "the curious incident of the dog that failed to bark in the night."

Interestingly, the FAA and NTSB have never released the radar data for Egypt Air Flight 990.

Things to think about.

Have You Seen My Pussy?*

2009-07-02T06:54:00.000-07:00

When will the celebrity slaughter end?

R.I.P. Mollie Sugden, aka. Mrs. Betty Slocombe on the long-running British comedy Are You Being Served. She is one celebrity whose passing I will truly mourn.

* If you aren't familiar with the show, Mrs. Slocombe is always worried about her cat, which she refers to as her pussy. In one of the funniest scenes in all of television, the staff is asked to remain in the store after closing. Mrs. Slocombe is, as always, concerned that her cat will be worried if she doesn't arrive home at her usual time. So she calls her neighbor on the telephone and asks him if he would, "Go around to my door, peep through the letter box, and tell me if you can see my pussy."

Pure comedy gold. And blue and purple and pink.

Party Time

2009-06-30T07:07:00.000-07:00

Today is the 101st anniversary of the Tunguska Event. Scientists would have us believe a small comet or meteor detonated over the Siberian forest on this day in 1908, when the truth is a UFO exploded when its warp core went critical and generated a microscopic black hole. The resulting explosion created a rift in the space-time continuum, which allowed malignant entities from another dimension access into our world, and that's why everything has gone to hell in a handbasket ever since.

The Media Michaelpalooza

2009-06-29T14:40:00.000-07:00

Since everybody else is paying tribute, I might as well chime in.

I loved Michael Jackson - when I was seven, and he was with the Jackson 5. But ultimately, I needed music with a bit more backbone and soul, so I moved on to Elton John and never looked back.

When Thriller came out, I lived too far out in BFE to get cable, but I saw it in the common room at the dorm one day and I remember being completely blown away, thinking, Jesus that was stupid. This is what the media and the world is creaming over? We're doomed.

Turns out I was right.

John Bonham, why did you have to die?

What I Learned Today

2009-06-25T19:06:00.000-07:00

How it feels to be hit in the face with a 2x4.

Lesson learned - duck.

Mr. Conspiracy Would Like to Point Out

2009-06-24T08:08:00.000-07:00

This headline from CNN is mistaken:

Man killed in D.C. Metro crash ordered jets above Capitol on 9/11

The correct headline should read:

Man killed in D.C. Metro crash failed to order jets above Capital on 9/11 until it was too late

The Capitol is a building. The Capital is the city in which the Capitol is built.

What is Necessary?

2009-06-22T12:02:00.000-07:00

Atrios nominates her for Wanker of the Day. In her interview with Obama administration health officials, Dianne Sawyer asked:

What percentage of American medicine then do you think is doctors doing unnecessary tests because they're caught in some cycle of unnecessary testing?

From personal experience I would say, yes, doctors definitely do order unnecessary tests. Rather than use their expertise to diagnose and treat, my doctors seem to rely more and more on tests, most of which end up being either inconclusive or merely confirm their suspicions. Morever, family and general practitioners tend to refer all but the most ordinary (i.e. safe) diagnoses to specialists. These are just two ways that healthcare costs are being needlessly jacked up.

Well, not needlessly. Needs are being met, just not the needs of the patients.

I have too many examples to choose from to demonstrate my argument, so I'll focus on two. Recently, I broke a toe. I knew it was broken as soon as I hit it. And I also knew there was nothing a doctor can do for a broken toe, but I went to the doctor anyway, because the pain made it extremely difficult to walk.

{Sidebar - This is another example of wasteful medical spending. I have to see a doctor to get a pain pill. The doctor has no way of knowing, other than personal experience, whether I am telling the truth. If a doctor can tell if you're lying, surely a pharmacist can, too. Why can't I just go to the pharmacy and buy a pill?}

Arriving at the doctor's office, the first thing they did was take an x-ray. Did they need to do an x-ray for a broken pinky toe? No, common medical diagnosis procedures can determine a broken toe without the need of an x-ray. The doctor wrote a prescription for naproxin and refered me to an orthopedic doctor. Against my better judgment, I went to the orthopedist, who confirmed my broken toe and gave me a shoe to wear which, thankfully, provided enough relief to allow me to walk. "Gave" isn't exactly correct, as I just got a bill for $18 for the shoe, and a note saying this did not include the cost of the doctor visit. He also told me not to take the naproxin and gave me a prescription for Tylenol 3.

My GP could just as easily have given me a shoe to wear, or sent me to a medical supply store to buy one, but no, they had to refer me to a specialist. Why? I honestly don't know. Why did they need to do an x-ray? I don't know that either, but being the conspiratorial sort, I suspect doctors do these things: a) to increase the size of their bills {it's all about size}; b) they get referal or finder fees when they make appointments with specialists on behalf of the patient.

Second case - My wife had a sore throat and visited her GP, who took one look at her throat and immediately refered her to an ENT, arranging an appointment for her that same afternoon. The ENT took her through two follow-up visits before we got the first bill, which showed that the cost of using this little endoscope to look into her sinuses was $200 a nostril, and they used it on both nostrils each time she visited. Since her first two visits were in November and December, and her third visit in January, we didn't meet the $1,000 per year deductible for either year and had to pay full price. This was in addition to the cost of the doctor visits, plus the other procedures, including a head CT, for a grant total of over two grand out of pocket. All of this expensive medicine led to... (drumroll, please)... a prescription for an antibiotic which the GP could have prescribed for the cost of the original $25 copay.

Now call me crazy, but when you can put $2,000 in your pocket, instead of $25, which medical procedure are you going to follow? Doctors are human. In addition to practicing medicine, they are in a business designed to produce a profit for the owners. If I go to a doctor and pay him $85 to look at my toe, he can take that $85 and tell me its broke. Or he can take that $85, plus $125 for an x-ray, plus whatever referal fee he gets from the specialist, who will tell me it's broke and charge me $250 plus $18 for one ugly shoe.

What would you do? He's a doctor. By cultural definition, doctors are rich. Unless he's the second coming of Jesus Christ, he didn't go into medicine only for humanitarian reasons. He also went into medicine because it pays well. And the better he can make medicine pay, the more often he can take the wife and kids snorkeling in Aruba. That is just the way the world works. Everybody wants some.

So what is the solution? I don't know. If you start cutting back on doctor fees, or not paying them for all the little extras they tack on to the sticker price of a visit, you're going to see fewer doctors coming out of medical school and more doctors retiring early. But at the same time, things can't keep going the way they've been going. Doctors must be willing to make some sacrifices. After all, the next time I break my toe, not only will I not be seeing a specialist, I won't even be seeing my GP. I'll be using my $18 shoe. Fool me once, can't get fooled again.

Moreover, the above two examples are made possible because of health insurance. Do you think our ENT would be able to charge $400 every time he stuck his deal up your nose if most (or many) people didn't have insurance that would pay for it? If your insurance pays for something, do you even look to see how much it cost, much less complain about it?

Insurance is a big part of the problem. Because we have insurance, the monetary impact of a doctor's visit isn't immediately apparent, just as financing a $22,000 car for 72 months feels like a better deal than coughing up $35,000 for a $22,000 car. Nobody has that kind of cash laying around, but enough people can afford $400 a month to keep the car companies in business. Well, until recently. If GM and Chrysler really wanted to survive in the free market, they would lower their prices. But bailouts and bankruptcy are better than deflation. Deflation is the beast that dare not speak its name on the doorstep.

But if you don't have insurance, or you can't get financing, new cars and doctor visits are not even available to you. Good luck with that.

If there weren't financing, a $22,000 car would cost you about $8,000, because that's the most anybody could realistically charge for a car bought with cash. Same with houses and furniture and appliances and groceries. Financing, in the form of credit cards, car loans, mortgages and insurance, makes high prices possible.

Medical care is a basic human need. When there is a disaster, what do we send? Food, water, shelter, and medicine. Doctors need to go back to practicing medicine. They should use their minds and their imaginations and intuitions to diagose and treat, and rely less on expensive imagery and the opinions of specialists. That, and universal healthcare, will make medicine work for us again, instead of us working for medicine.

After all, think of the new car you could afford if your $8,000 a year health insurance were replaced with a $3,000 a year healthcare tax.