Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Dumbledore's Army

Now that Dumbledore is officially out as a gay man, surely this just goes to prove that all those people who were against him and Harry Potter, people like Jerry Falwell, Bill O'Reilly, and Lord Voldemort, were justified in their hatred of this man and his very gay crusade to turn all the little witches and wizards into an army of homosexual tolerance crusaders of paganowiccaSatanifascism.

Dumbledore made the kids use wands, after all - that should have been a dead giveaway, along with all the subliminal messages hidden in Rowling's seven guides... er, books. Let's see how many we can find:

"The wand chooses the wizard." Wow, this is a pretty obvious reference to homosexuality, laying the foundation in young minds for the false lie that a person is born gay. At the same time, it shows the power of "the wand," especially a large, black, turgid wand with a phoenix feather core, to convert an otherwise straight man into a raging homowizard.

Cornelius Fudge? Oh, come on! This name screams gay. And he was Minister of Magic! That's like the president or something.

Quidditch is a game based on soccer (only slightly less gay than gymnastics), in which boys and girls compete as equals (as if) as: Chasers (chasing tail) who chase a quaffle (to swallow!); Beaters (!!) who whack mindlessly violent balls(!!!) called Bludgers (anti-man) with penis-shaped bats; a Seeker (code for gay temptor of straight men) who tries to catch a Golden Snitch (a spy trying to discover the real motives and methods of the gay agenda, someone like Rev. Ted Haggard or Sen. Larry Craig). When the Snitch is caught, the game is over!

Speaking of Quidditch, what kind of man rides a broom? A gay man, of course. Real wizards ride gas-powered leaf blowers.

I'm sure you can think of others. There's bound to be tons. Just be careful in your research. If you read these books too closely, you're liable to find yourself having odd thoughts and desires about your beer drinking buddies. Normally, it is perfectly safe to have odd thoughts and desires about other men, but these books will also have conditioned you to accept them as normal and fill you with an irresistable desire to act upon them, which you MUST NOT DO openly. REMEMBER, if you gaze too deeply into the abyss, the abyss gazes into you and turns you gay as a smurf.


MSG said...

Can you please explain whether or not you are serious? I'm British and used to this sort of comedy. Can you please confirm?

Jeff said...

As serious as any other twit.