Thursday, February 14, 2008

Define "Suck" in 300 Words or Less

Last night, I finally got around to watching The Fantastic Four movie. Yeah, I know. I'm a loser.

So, does this movie suck, or what? This movie sucks so bad, it doesn't even deserve to be panned. It deserves negative stars. It deserves two thumbs up the ass of a sweaty Sumo wrestler.

This movie sucks an order of magnitude below the very worst episode of The Incredible Hulk. It sucks like Linda Carter as Wonder Woman (there's a visual for you, boys). Actually, I much prefer the sucking of Linda Carter as Wonder Woman. That was only television and didn't cost gajillions of dollars to make. It was supposed to suck.

But it's like they took all the bad acting and bad screenwriting of those 1970's superhero television shows, including Space Ghost and Scooby Doo's Laff-a-Lympics, and just added a bunch of expensive special effects.

Sadly, it doesn't matter how much a superhero movie sucks nowadays. It'll make money anyway. It can't help but make money if it's flashy enough. People love shiny things, especially if you throw in an invisible Jessica Alba stripping in public. There will be many more to come, hopefully none so bad as this one.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

But Linda Carter sucks much more as a reptilican spokesbitch.