Tuesday, December 30, 2008

He is the Kwisatz Haderat

An ancient prophecy speaks of a time of human tribulation in which a mouse, named Muad'dib, will appear and the human scourge will be wiped off the planet. Mice will become the dominant species, ushering in a new golden age of enlightenment and cheese.

That day has come.

At first we knew him only by his poo, and even then we did not believe. It can't be mouse poo, we said, because no normal mouse could get on top of the microwave. And even if he could, why would he climb up there just to poo and leave the pie untouched?

Then one day we found a bag of cookies on the floor. The bag was much too large and heavy for a normal mouse to move. Eppur si muove! And why would he nibble a hole through the bag, yet leave the cookies untouched?

And still we found poo. Vast quantities of poo. Striking here, dropping poo there, he was like a ghost. He could not be seen but by the destruction he wrought with his copious poo. He taunted us with his scratchings and nibblings in the walls. Spice production ground to a halt.

We retaliated, to no avail. He has survived a massive dose of poison. Now we find the blue dye of poison in his poo. He managed to evade our primitive traps, licking them clean of peanut butter, so we bought better traps from the engineers of IX. Their newest traps are devilishly clever, sensitive to the touch of so much as a butterfly, yet he manages to lick them clean and escape unharmed, the trap empty and unsprung.

Slowly we came to realize, this is no ordinary mouse. This is the prophesized one, the Kwisatz Haderat. The Mouse that can be everywhere at once. The hegemony of man is at an end. Weep, ye monkeys, for Muad'dib has come!

However, let him beware, for the way of Jihad is a trap, even for the Kwisatz Haderat.

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