Neon Orange Election Afterglow

You can't argue that the moon isn't made of cheese with someone who bases his moon cheese theory on the idea that the moon landings were faked. Nor can you argue with someone who, though he aknowledges that men really did land on the moon (illegally and unconstitutionally) and will admit that the holes we see are impact craters, not Swiss cheese, since the astronauts didn't examine every cubic inch of the moon, we cannot state as fact that some part of it, perhaps its core, is not made of gorgonzola.


Furthermore, you cannot debate people who think it is rude, unhelpful or elitist to refuse to waste our time having a serious debate with people who believe the moon is made of cheese.

Brothers, the moon cheese faction must be marginalized by our laughter and our disdain. Otherwise, the coin-operated terrorists (politicians) win.

When the Very Air is a Lovely Fume

Recently discovered ad copy found in the shredder of the Dark Lord Advertising Agency:

One ring to rule them all.

One ring to find them.

One ring to bring them all

and in the darkness bind them.

In the land of Mordor where the shadows lie

and rock bottom prices for jewelry lurk around every corner.

You'd be crazy as a Gollum not to take advantage of our everyday low prices! We're practically giving them away - just ask the kings of dwarves and men!

Put one of our rings on the finger of that certain special someone and she'll be yours forever, provided you also purchase the Ruling Ring for half off the original price.

You can't go wrong, but if you do, you'll want one of precious rings - guaranteed never to fall off during an orc attack!

Hurry today before they vanish out the door.

The Litany of Beer

1 In the beginning, there was the void.
It was cold and dark and without beer.
And God opened the door of the void
and separated the light from the darkness
and the waters from the earth.
And it was good.

2 God made the light to shine upon the earth
and it brought forth grain,
especially barley,
and hops of many kinds.
And God let the darkness cover the earth
and it brought forth yeast.

3 God took the barley
and he made the light to shine upon it
so that it did malt.
And He took the malt and spread it across the floor of hell.
And He did make the demons and the devils
to roast it with the heat of their hoofs.
And there was much gnashing and wailing,
for they knew there would be no beer
for them in hell.

4 And God took the waters in His hand,
and He spread the roasted barley across the waters.
And He took the yeast and He spread it across the waters.
And He took the hops and spread it thereon.
And He let the darkness cover the mash
so that the yeast would be fruitful and multiply.
And this was also good.

5 Now God took the mash
and He smelled it with his nostrils
and breathed upon it with his mouth
with such a sigh. And he said,
"Verily, this is righteous beer, of which I am most proud."

6 God separated the beer from the mash,
and He made two parts of it to be put into bottles,
and the other two parts
He made to be put in barrels of curious design.
And He did make hell to freezeth over

and there he stored the beer for a time,

until it was ready.

7 And God gathered together two armies,

and He clad them in armor

and set before them a ball made of the skin of a pig.

And He commanded them to make war over the ball.

And so they made war over the ball,

And God did watch, and drink His beer.

8 With his right hand

God did brush the foam from His beard.

And He did breath a sigh and said,

"Verily, this is righteous beer. The beer of the righteous it shall be called."

- "The Beer of the Righteous" from The Orange-Haired Dwarf's Bible

Don't Ask Where I Got This

Pages from an unreleased first draft of Dignity & Respect: The U.S. Army Training Guide On Homosexual Conduct Policy.

And Jesus said, "In the Hole!"

In Republican Heaven, there will be golf.

Mr. Conspiracy's Top 11 Stories of 2009

Because eleven is better than ten. 

#1 - Obama's Birth Certificate
I am surrounded by people who think President Barack Obama is a communist islamofascist antichrist who doesn't celebrate Christmas and took the oath of office either on the Koran or the Satanic Bible (if he even took the oath of office at all), and who isn't even an American citizen.

On the one hand, you have a man who is president. It seems rather unlikely that he could achieve this position if he weren't a US citizen. The only way to accomplish this is if he were groomed from birth by the Illuminati to fulfill the role of Feyd Rautha Harkonnen to George Bush's Beast Rabban. Iraq is Arrakis - hello? Only that can explain how his birth information was faked 40-odd years before his run for president. It was the Bene Gesserit!

On the other hand, you have a man who releases, as his birth certificate, something that is clearly not an official long form birth certificate. Why would he do that?

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Something is being hidden, just not the fact that Obama was born on US soil. I suspect it has something to do with a jackal and the seven daggers of Meggido.


# 2 - Air France Flight 447
I'll just crib my thoughts from a previous post...

So now the plane that broke up in air actually bellyflopped on the water at a high speed. Only earlier today, an almost identical article stated that the plane struck the water vertically. I do wish they would get their lies straight.

The article states that the life jackets were not inflated, indicating the passengers were not prepared for a water landing. However, it takes several minutes, even at a rapid descent, for a plane to drop 38,000 feet - plenty of time for the passengers to prepare for a water landing, and plenty of time for the pilots to issue a distress call.

We are told neither of these things happened.

And do you recall the earlier reports about a flurry of signals indicating a cascade of mechanical and electrical problems leading to complete failure? If this happened as originally reported, how did the pilot manage to bring a plane with complete mechanical failure in for a water landing? If instead the flurry of signals indicated failures after the plane hit the water, why didn't the pilots make a distress call? Do you recall the report from a pilot of another plane in the area, of a bright white light falling for about six seconds?

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - They never found the black boxes, and from what I can see, it appears the belly flop theory didn't fly so now they're back to the massive mechanical failure theory, which can never be proven or disproven. Maybe this was just an accident. But then again...


# 3 - Who in the World was Johanna Ganthaler?
Johanna and Kurt Gunthaler were a couple who narrowly missed AirFrance flight 447, but were later involved in an auto accident, in which Johanna was killed.

However, if you go back one week, you find a story about the four people who missed Flight 447. Strangely, none of these people are named Johanna and Kurt Ganthaler.

Instead, in the earlier article, they are Amina and Claude Jaffiol from Montpellier, France. Claude appears to have some serious connections to an unnamed Dutch diplomat, whom they asked to use his influence to get them on the flight. What sort of Dutch diplomat would have that kind of pull, anyway?

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - A person of a conspiratorial frame of mind might suggest that Amina/Johanna and/or Kurt/Claude were targets of some sort. Such a person might want to know who these people are/were. But as with the plane they either did or didn't miss, we will never learn the truth about her/its fate.



# 4 - Swine Flu
It's gonna get ya. Especially since it has been genetically engineered by the Illuminati as part of their population reduction and enslavement program. Or maybe we're being poisoned by industrial agriculture. Lots of people are reluctant to get the vaccine, especially after the government immunized the vaccine makers from lawsuits. Fear of the flu is being hyped by the media. Vaccines are being recalled because of loss of potency. The vaccine contains thimerosol.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - I stopped paying attention when I learned that the government isn't even tracking swine flu cases. Make no mistake, it's a nasty virus. I know of one person who died of it, one who almost died, and several who said they felt like they were dying. I don't want to catch it, whether or not it's part of an Illumnati conspiracy. So I'm washing my hands and taking vitamin D.


# 5 - Universal Armageddon
In 2009, the US government suddenly classified all data about incoming meteors gathered by our spy satellites. This data, which has no national security implications, has been available to scientists for ten years. The only reason to classify this information now is to hide something that didn't exist before (or existed but wasn't noticed), but that can now be detected in the data. What that is is anybody's guess, because now there is no data.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Curiously enough, the Russians are concerned enough about the Apophis asteroid, which isn't going to hit earth in 2029 (trust me, would I lie to you?), to spend several hundred million dollars sending up a probe or machine to nudge it away so it doesn't hit us, even though it wasn't going to hit us anyway. Makes perfect sense. Right? Right? I feel so much better now.
 
 
# 6 - Climategate
Hackers steal emails from climatologists which appear, at first reading, to show how climate data is being modified to make it fit the global warming narrative. Later explanations do a half-assed job of debunking the Climategate claims. Al Gore is rich and poised to get richer off global warming hysteria, so he can't be honest about Cap'n Trade legislation, therefore we should listen to Rush Limbaugh, who is rich and poised to get richer off global warming denial. I'm so confused.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Sorry, no links because this story doesn't hurdle my admittedly low bar of credibility. The ice caps are melting, Butt Munch. The story certainly captured the corporate media imagination, thus it's inclusion in this perfidious list. But isn't it amazing what intelligent, respectable people will believe, only to turn around and scoff at...


# 7 - UFOs
The Norway Spiral. UFO Cloud over Moscow. And Romania. Pyramid UFO over Moscow. The aliens must have got tired of dodging jackrabbits over Stevensville, Texas, and headed to Europe for the season.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Of all the UFO stories this year, the Norway Spiral most interests me because of the media's willingness to accept a ridiculous cover story that doesn't come close to explaining what people saw. This really is a new twist on the old swamp gas temperature inversion explanation swallowed by the media in years gone by. Watch the video in that link. It may not be a UFO, but it sure as hell isn't a missile test.

For a perfect example of why you shouldn't believe what they tell you, here is a photo and accompanying explanation which says UFO-shaped lenticular clouds are usually formed by gravity waves. That's pretty amazing, since my science book says Cal Tech built the LIGO observatory to try to detect gravity waves, which have never been detected, but maybe my science book is out of date. They spent all that money, when all they needed to do was watch some clouds?

# 8 - Kosher Meat
Top rabbis in New Jersey are arrested for trafficking in human organs. Israeli fertility doctors caught selling human eggs. The leading newspaper in Sweden runs a story accusing Israel of taking organs from dead Palestinians. An Israeli doctor admits to organ theft in the 90's.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Gilead Atzmon sums it up. Truth is, illegal human organ trafficking takes place all over the world. Human organs sell for thousands of dollars each, but the world's a much nicer place if we pretend doctors aren't greedy bastards who will kill you for your beautiful kidneys.


# 9 - There Be Pirates Here and There
Speaking of greedy bastards, two stories of piracy captured the public imagination this year.

First, we had the infamous Somali pirates. Earlier this year, I wondered why the navies of the world are so helpless against a bunch of hillbillies in fishing boats, but they finally got their act together, culminating with the captured American crew who were rescued by Navy Seals. However, the story behind the story of the Somali pirates is how their coasts and fishing waters have been poisoned by illegal dumping of toxic and possibly radioactive substances by... the nations of the world, who had to be dragged kicking and screaming into cracking down on the pirates, almost as though they were reluctant to draw too much attention to their dumping grounds.

Next, there was the mysterious hijacking of the Russian cargo ship Arctic Sea. Found weeks later in the Atlantic, eight hijackers were captured by the Russian navy. The ship was supposedly loaded with timber from Finland, but there is speculation that something quite different was aboard, possibly weapons. That they were weapons bound for Iran seems to be the motive behind Netanyahu's mysterious disappearance and secret meeting with Putin. Or maybe he went to secure the release of the Israeli agents who hijacked the ship?

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Throughout history, most acts of piracy have been conducted by official and unofficial representatives of some nation. That hasn't changed, even in Somalia.


# 10 - Blackwater Fever
Speaking of pirates and greedy bastards, Pakistan's former army chief of staff accused the American mercenary corporation Blackwater USA (now Xe) of being involved in the assassinations of Benazir Bhutto and Rafiq Hariri. Bhutto was murdered shortly after confirming that Osama bin Laden is dead.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - No reason not to believe anything about these inglorious basterds.


#11 - The ABC's of GB
ABC stands for Alien Big Cat, and refers to stories about panthers, pumas and leopards spotted in the English countryside. These stories go back decades, and despite the large number of witnesses and the very real possibility that a population of escaped panthera could very well exist, considering British imperial history, tales of ABCs were relegated to the world of Bigfoot and Loch Ness.

Until 2009, when big cats were filmed by rangers in the Forest of Dean. Curiously, it took a Freedom of Information Act request before this news was released. Wonder why.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Given the likelihood these animals were always there, why is this an important story? Because for years, ABCs were debunked on much the same grounds as Bigfoot, Loch Ness, and many another cryptid. If there are so many of these cats roaming the English countryside, why hasn't one been shot? Or hit by a car? Why hasn't anyone even found a body? Or bones?

Sound familiar? Yet, despite the most reasonable and logical assertions of the debunkers, there really are large, predatory felines roaming the English countryside. So beware. Beware!


Honorable Mention - Bigfoot Photo
Speaking of Bigfoot, check out this story of two brothers who set out a game trail camera in preparation for deer hunting season, only to capture a photo of something tall, hairy and bipedal. I'm not entirely convinced by this photo, especially after the Georgia hunters who hoaxed a Bigfoot body in 2008.

Honorable Mention - Time Magazine's Person of the Year
Neda Agha Soltan was selected as Time's Person of the Year, after she was shot at a protest over the rigging of the election in Iran. Only, was she a real person, and was she ever shot? This theory suggests that the heartbreaking video of her last moments is just too good to be true, while the doctor who was on hand to perform CPR has given two conflicting accounts of the shooter (version 1, version 2). Iran denies being involved and blames the CIA. This story is almost worthy of a spot in the top ten list, since, if true, it would fit into the ongoing narrative of the propaganda build-up to war with Iran. 

 ***

The Inaugural Appalachian Trail Award for conspiratorial ineptitude goes to South Carolina governor Mark Sanford and his attempt to explain his secret visit to his mistress in Argentina by saying he was out "hiking the Appalachian Trail." This cover story was so implausible, not even the lapdog media (beyond a few Wall Street Journal and Washington Times maroons) were willing to buy it. It would have been better for Sanford if he'd said he was kidnapped by aliens and forced to mate with Bigfoot.

The winner of the Appalachian Trail Award is recognized for contributing to the Too Stupid to Pull It Off (TSPIO) theory of skeptical debunking.

How to Spot a Troll

They're made extremely uncomfortable by any reference to their species.

For example, an unknown creatures challenges your passage on a bridge. You could attempt to identify it by calling it a troll.

If it objects to this label, it is most likely a troll. Proceed with caution.

Unpaid Advertisement

I Think I'm in Love

With this awesome website.

I mean, come on! A fansite dedicated to heroic fantasy and sword and sorcery? Named The Cimmerian?

Please, God, let them call me.

A Plea for Help

To all parents of young children (of which I am one) - please teach your children basic table manners. I'm not talking about eating with one hand in your lap or which fork to use with which course. I'm talking about disgusting mouth noises.

One day your child will lose a friend, anger a coworker (and possibly lose a job), fail in a job interview, annoy a prospective client and lose a contract, or bomb out on a date, for the simple reason that you never taught them to eat with their mouth closed. Few things are more disgusting than sitting across the table, or sharing a space like an office cubicle or a bus seat, with a person who cannot , for example, eat an apple without an accompanying symphony of sucking, smacking, grunting noises. The worst part is, this person usually has no clue that their barnyard eating habits are impacting those around them, making them want to leave at the earliest opportunity. They're just happily munching on an apple - like a horse.

And that, dear parents, is your fault and your fault alone. So please, think of your children. Think of their future. Teach them to shut their cake holes. Because if you don't, no one else will.

Tomato Art 2

I am not an animal, he declared.

I am two tomatoes.

Tomato Art 1

Ugly is the new beautiful in this artfully rendered shot of two purple calabash alien tomato fetuses, male and shemale.

Have You Seen My Pussy?*

When will the celebrity slaughter end?

R.I.P. Mollie Sugden, aka. Mrs. Betty Slocombe on the long-running British comedy Are You Being Served. She is one celebrity whose passing I will truly mourn.

* If you aren't familiar with the show, Mrs. Slocombe is always worried about her cat, which she refers to as her pussy. In one of the funniest scenes in all of television, the staff is asked to remain in the store after closing. Mrs. Slocombe is, as always, concerned that her cat will be worried if she doesn't arrive home at her usual time. So she calls her neighbor on the telephone and asks him if he would, "Go around to my door, peep through the letter box, and tell me if you can see my pussy."

Pure comedy gold. And blue and purple and pink.

What I Learned Today

How it feels to be hit in the face with a 2x4.

Lesson learned - duck.

Department of Duh

Researchers have discovered that big mammals, unlike Congressional Democrats, are able to adapt to a changing environment. They don't starve to death when one food source disappears, as long as it is replaced by another food source. Congressional Democrats, on the other hand, still behave, and feed, and cower in terror, as though they are still the minority party. They have yet to realize the saber-toothed Republicans are on the brink of extinction.

I believe it was either Jeff Goldblum, or Triumph the Comic Dog, who summed up this concept a number of years ago when he said, Life finds a way...



...to poop on you.

because at this critical juncture what the world needs...

... is another redneck knock-knock joke.

Knock knock.

Who's thar?

Merge?

Merge who?

Merge is a holy covenant between one man and one woman.

Well, one at a time, anyway.

The Collapse of the Mayan Civilization Revealed

World Exclusive!!!

I have just discovered in my vegetable garden an ancient stone tablet that describes in detail why the Mayan civilization collapsed. Its author was an astrologer named Krugmanetlan the Shrill. Here is what he carves:

The Priests began selling assurances of rain to the farmers. If the farmers wanted rain, they had to pay the priests. As the population grew, the farmers needed to farm more land to feed the people. However, if the farmers wanted to farm more land, etc., they needed more rain. This created a natural upper limit to the amount of money the priests could generate from their assurances, which is represented by the equation I=MfkD, where I is income, Mfk is the total milk, fiber and korn that can be produced by the land, and D is beer.

Therefore, the priests began lending money to the farmers so they could farm more land and buy more assurances of rain. Some farmers discovered that by placing themselves into massive debt to the priests, they could produce enough milk, fiber and korn to become incredibly wealthy themselves, which allowed them to pay extra money to the priests to short the other farmers their portions of rain, destroying their farms and driving them out of business. Thus land became cheap. Then the farmers discovered that they could sell their own version of assurances back to the priests, with the guarantee that if in fact it didn't rain, contrary to what the priests had assured, they would pay the priests a guaranteed portion of their crop with which to offset the losses on the priest's assurances. That way the priests made money no matter what happened, thus allowing them to take on more risk and promise more rain so more land could be cleared for farming, and more loans could be taken out for more assurances of rain. Much wealth was generated in this fashion, where it had never existed before.

For many centuries, this formula worked because rain was thought to be a constant. Then one year it didn't rain. The farmers couldn't pay the priests against their losses on assurances, because they had no crop, because it hadn't rained! (see Figure of Krugmanetlan Slapping his Jaguar Forehead) The farmers sued the priests for payment on their assurances, but the priests couldn't pay because they were suing the farmers for payment on their assurances. And all their combined wealth, which had never existed, suddenly evaporated and their civilization collapsed.

Eventually, the people ate the priests and farmers until there was no one left who knew how to pray for rain or plant a crop. So they all walked off into the jungle to hunt monkeys, etlan.

Chupacabra Sightings

Forewarned is forearmed. With a stake.

Bogota, Colombia


New Hampshire

Good News

I just got an email from the FBI informing me that the Nigerian scam email I got yesterday is completely legit and I can go ahead and give Dr. M'hari Chewbacca my checking account number and collect all those millions.

Now I bet you wish you hadn't deleted that email.

Senate Stimulus Math

I recently got my hands on some of the notes created by Senators Nelson and Collins while designing their stimulus "compromise."