A Plea for Help

To all parents of young children (of which I am one) - please teach your children basic table manners. I'm not talking about eating with one hand in your lap or which fork to use with which course. I'm talking about disgusting mouth noises.

One day your child will lose a friend, anger a coworker (and possibly lose a job), fail in a job interview, annoy a prospective client and lose a contract, or bomb out on a date, for the simple reason that you never taught them to eat with their mouth closed. Few things are more disgusting than sitting across the table, or sharing a space like an office cubicle or a bus seat, with a person who cannot , for example, eat an apple without an accompanying symphony of sucking, smacking, grunting noises. The worst part is, this person usually has no clue that their barnyard eating habits are impacting those around them, making them want to leave at the earliest opportunity. They're just happily munching on an apple - like a horse.

And that, dear parents, is your fault and your fault alone. So please, think of your children. Think of their future. Teach them to shut their cake holes. Because if you don't, no one else will.