Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Mr. Conspiracy's Top 11 Stories of 2009

Because eleven is better than ten. 

#1 - Obama's Birth Certificate
I am surrounded by people who think President Barack Obama is a communist islamofascist antichrist who doesn't celebrate Christmas and took the oath of office either on the Koran or the Satanic Bible (if he even took the oath of office at all), and who isn't even an American citizen.

On the one hand, you have a man who is president. It seems rather unlikely that he could achieve this position if he weren't a US citizen. The only way to accomplish this is if he were groomed from birth by the Illuminati to fulfill the role of Feyd Rautha Harkonnen to George Bush's Beast Rabban. Iraq is Arrakis - hello? Only that can explain how his birth information was faked 40-odd years before his run for president. It was the Bene Gesserit!

On the other hand, you have a man who releases, as his birth certificate, something that is clearly not an official long form birth certificate. Why would he do that?

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Something is being hidden, just not the fact that Obama was born on US soil. I suspect it has something to do with a jackal and the seven daggers of Meggido.

# 2 - Air France Flight 447
I'll just crib my thoughts from a previous post...

So now the plane that broke up in air actually bellyflopped on the water at a high speed. Only earlier today, an almost identical article stated that the plane struck the water vertically. I do wish they would get their lies straight.

The article states that the life jackets were not inflated, indicating the passengers were not prepared for a water landing. However, it takes several minutes, even at a rapid descent, for a plane to drop 38,000 feet - plenty of time for the passengers to prepare for a water landing, and plenty of time for the pilots to issue a distress call.

We are told neither of these things happened.

And do you recall the earlier reports about a flurry of signals indicating a cascade of mechanical and electrical problems leading to complete failure? If this happened as originally reported, how did the pilot manage to bring a plane with complete mechanical failure in for a water landing? If instead the flurry of signals indicated failures after the plane hit the water, why didn't the pilots make a distress call? Do you recall the report from a pilot of another plane in the area, of a bright white light falling for about six seconds?
Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - They never found the black boxes, and from what I can see, it appears the belly flop theory didn't fly so now they're back to the massive mechanical failure theory, which can never be proven or disproven. Maybe this was just an accident. But then again...

# 3 - Who in the World was Johanna Ganthaler?
Johanna and Kurt Gunthaler were a couple who narrowly missed AirFrance flight 447, but were later involved in an auto accident, in which Johanna was killed.

However, if you go back one week, you find a story about the four people who missed Flight 447. Strangely, none of these people are named Johanna and Kurt Ganthaler.

Instead, in the earlier article, they are Amina and Claude Jaffiol from Montpellier, France. Claude appears to have some serious connections to an unnamed Dutch diplomat, whom they asked to use his influence to get them on the flight. What sort of Dutch diplomat would have that kind of pull, anyway?

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - A person of a conspiratorial frame of mind might suggest that Amina/Johanna and/or Kurt/Claude were targets of some sort. Such a person might want to know who these people are/were. But as with the plane they either did or didn't miss, we will never learn the truth about her/its fate.

# 4 - Swine Flu
It's gonna get ya. Especially since it has been genetically engineered by the Illuminati as part of their population reduction and enslavement program. Or maybe we're being poisoned by industrial agriculture. Lots of people are reluctant to get the vaccine, especially after the government immunized the vaccine makers from lawsuits. Fear of the flu is being hyped by the media. Vaccines are being recalled because of loss of potency. The vaccine contains thimerosol.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - I stopped paying attention when I learned that the government isn't even tracking swine flu cases. Make no mistake, it's a nasty virus. I know of one person who died of it, one who almost died, and several who said they felt like they were dying. I don't want to catch it, whether or not it's part of an Illumnati conspiracy. So I'm washing my hands and taking vitamin D.

# 5 - Universal Armageddon
In 2009, the US government suddenly classified all data about incoming meteors gathered by our spy satellites. This data, which has no national security implications, has been available to scientists for ten years. The only reason to classify this information now is to hide something that didn't exist before (or existed but wasn't noticed), but that can now be detected in the data. What that is is anybody's guess, because now there is no data.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Curiously enough, the Russians are concerned enough about the Apophis asteroid, which isn't going to hit earth in 2029 (trust me, would I lie to you?), to spend several hundred million dollars sending up a probe or machine to nudge it away so it doesn't hit us, even though it wasn't going to hit us anyway. Makes perfect sense. Right? Right? I feel so much better now.
# 6 - Climategate
Hackers steal emails from climatologists which appear, at first reading, to show how climate data is being modified to make it fit the global warming narrative. Later explanations do a half-assed job of debunking the Climategate claims. Al Gore is rich and poised to get richer off global warming hysteria, so he can't be honest about Cap'n Trade legislation, therefore we should listen to Rush Limbaugh, who is rich and poised to get richer off global warming denial. I'm so confused.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Sorry, no links because this story doesn't hurdle my admittedly low bar of credibility. The ice caps are melting, Butt Munch. The story certainly captured the corporate media imagination, thus it's inclusion in this perfidious list. But isn't it amazing what intelligent, respectable people will believe, only to turn around and scoff at...

# 7 - UFOs
The Norway Spiral. UFO Cloud over Moscow. And RomaniaPyramid UFO over Moscow. The aliens must have got tired of dodging jackrabbits over Stevensville, Texas, and headed to Europe for the season.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Of all the UFO stories this year, the Norway Spiral most interests me because of the media's willingness to accept a ridiculous cover story that doesn't come close to explaining what people saw. This really is a new twist on the old swamp gas temperature inversion explanation swallowed by the media in years gone by. Watch the video in that link. It may not be a UFO, but it sure as hell isn't a missile test.

For a perfect example of why you shouldn't believe what they tell you, here is a photo and accompanying explanation which says UFO-shaped lenticular clouds are usually formed by gravity waves. That's pretty amazing, since my science book says Cal Tech built the LIGO observatory to try to detect gravity waves, which have never been detected, but maybe my science book is out of date. They spent all that money, when all they needed to do was watch some clouds?

# 8 - Kosher Meat
Top rabbis in New Jersey are arrested for trafficking in human organs. Israeli fertility doctors caught selling human eggs. The leading newspaper in Sweden runs a story accusing Israel of taking organs from dead Palestinians. An Israeli doctor admits to organ theft in the 90's.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Gilead Atzmon sums it up. Truth is, illegal human organ trafficking takes place all over the world. Human organs sell for thousands of dollars each, but the world's a much nicer place if we pretend doctors aren't greedy bastards who will kill you for your beautiful kidneys.

# 9 - There Be Pirates Here and There
Speaking of greedy bastards, two stories of piracy captured the public imagination this year.

First, we had the infamous Somali pirates. Earlier this year, I wondered why the navies of the world are so helpless against a bunch of hillbillies in fishing boats, but they finally got their act together, culminating with the captured American crew who were rescued by Navy Seals. However, the story behind the story of the Somali pirates is how their coasts and fishing waters have been poisoned by illegal dumping of toxic and possibly radioactive substances by... the nations of the world, who had to be dragged kicking and screaming into cracking down on the pirates, almost as though they were reluctant to draw too much attention to their dumping grounds.

Next, there was the mysterious hijacking of the Russian cargo ship Arctic Sea. Found weeks later in the Atlantic, eight hijackers were captured by the Russian navy. The ship was supposedly loaded with timber from Finland, but there is speculation that something quite different was aboard, possibly weapons. That they were weapons bound for Iran seems to be the motive behind Netanyahu's mysterious disappearance and secret meeting with Putin. Or maybe he went to secure the release of the Israeli agents who hijacked the ship?

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Throughout history, most acts of piracy have been conducted by official and unofficial representatives of some nation. That hasn't changed, even in Somalia.

# 10 - Blackwater Fever
Speaking of pirates and greedy bastards, Pakistan's former army chief of staff accused the American mercenary corporation Blackwater USA (now Xe) of being involved in the assassinations of Benazir Bhutto and Rafiq Hariri. Bhutto was murdered shortly after confirming that Osama bin Laden is dead.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - No reason not to believe anything about these inglorious basterds.

#11 - The ABC's of GB
ABC stands for Alien Big Cat, and refers to stories about panthers, pumas and leopards spotted in the English countryside. These stories go back decades, and despite the large number of witnesses and the very real possibility that a population of escaped panthera could very well exist, considering British imperial history, tales of ABCs were relegated to the world of Bigfoot and Loch Ness.

Until 2009, when big cats were filmed by rangers in the Forest of Dean. Curiously, it took a Freedom of Information Act request before this news was released. Wonder why.

Mr. Conspiracy's Conclusion - Given the likelihood these animals were always there, why is this an important story? Because for years, ABCs were debunked on much the same grounds as Bigfoot, Loch Ness, and many another cryptid. If there are so many of these cats roaming the English countryside, why hasn't one been shot? Or hit by a car? Why hasn't anyone even found a body? Or bones?

Sound familiar? Yet, despite the most reasonable and logical assertions of the debunkers, there really are large, predatory felines roaming the English countryside. So beware. Beware!

Honorable Mention - Bigfoot Photo
Speaking of Bigfoot, check out this story of two brothers who set out a game trail camera in preparation for deer hunting season, only to capture a photo of something tall, hairy and bipedal. I'm not entirely convinced by this photo, especially after the Georgia hunters who hoaxed a Bigfoot body in 2008.

Honorable Mention - Time Magazine's Person of the Year
Neda Agha Soltan was selected as Time's Person of the Year, after she was shot at a protest over the rigging of the election in Iran. Only, was she a real person, and was she ever shot? This theory suggests that the heartbreaking video of her last moments is just too good to be true, while the doctor who was on hand to perform CPR has given two conflicting accounts of the shooter (version 1, version 2). Iran denies being involved and blames the CIA. This story is almost worthy of a spot in the top ten list, since, if true, it would fit into the ongoing narrative of the propaganda build-up to war with Iran


The Inaugural Appalachian Trail Award for conspiratorial ineptitude goes to South Carolina governor Mark Sanford and his attempt to explain his secret visit to his mistress in Argentina by saying he was out "hiking the Appalachian Trail." This cover story was so implausible, not even the lapdog media (beyond a few Wall Street Journal and Washington Times maroons) were willing to buy it. It would have been better for Sanford if he'd said he was kidnapped by aliens and forced to mate with Bigfoot.

The winner of the Appalachian Trail Award is recognized for contributing to the Too Stupid to Pull It Off (TSPIO) theory of skeptical debunking.

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