Happy God Damn New Year

Remind me, why do we celebrate the new year? This occured to me today. What purpose does it serve, other than to give us an excuse to mix alcohol and explosives? Isn't it true that the only reason Jan 1st is a Federal holiday is so people can't sleep off their exuberrances of the night before?

It's been years since I marked the occassion in any way. I stopped bothering to care because, to be honest, I don't need an excuse to get drunk and make a fool of myself. It happens too close to Christmas to be of any practical use.

New Year's Day is the only secular, non-political/historical holiday on the calendar. If we're just going to have a gimme holiday for no particular reason, I'd much rather it fall during the long holidayless months between President's Day and Memorial Day.

I propose we move New Year's Day to the second Friday in April! At least then it'll be warm enough to shoot fireworks at midnight, and it will always give us a three day weekend. That's something I can celebrate. Frigid mid-week New Year's celebrations suck polar bear nuts.

Drown It in a Bag

The time has come, the walrus said, to kill the recording industry.

The RIAA is now arguing that copying your CDs to your computer is piracy. Even if you never share the song files, it's piracy. Even if you purchased the CDs legally, if you make a copy, for any reason, it's piracy.

I suggest we the buying public stop buying CDs produced by the recording industry. I suggest we stop buying any music - CDs or downloads - that is produced via the traditional recording industry. I will be the first to make the vow. From this day forward, I will only purchase independently produced and distributed music.

Let the recording industry legislate and litigate itself onto the dung heap of history, where it belongs. I will not give it one more dime. Ever.

News at a Glance

Novel News

In comments to my previous post, Arthur lamented that the continuation of the story begun in my novel Dark Thane is not being written by me. Instead, Doug Niles appears to be writing a new trilogy called Dwarf Home that will carry forward the storyline of the dwarves of Dragonlance.

And as I replied, if given my choice of all the existing Dragonlance authors, I'd choose Doug Niles to write the story of the dwarves. Sure, he's going to change things and write it differently than I would, just as I wrote the story differently than Doug did when I picked up his story from the end of Last Thane.

This is the way Dragonlance novels are written.

Will I ever write another Dragonlance story? That's not a question I can answer. So if I'm not writing Dragonlance novels, what am I writing, other than short stories?

In June of this year, I finished my first novel since writing Dark Thane. Some Day is a modern fairy tale set in Arkansas.

I have two unfinished novels-in-progress - The Sword of the Prophet, which is a historical fantasy set during the Crusader period, and Shades of Black, which is a supernatural detective thriller set in Memphis in 2007.

And just last night, I finished outlining a heroic fantasy, possibly of the young adult subgenre, called James of the Gates. As the outline runs almost 25,000 words, I don't know if it will all fit in a single novel, or even two. Probably, it will take three or more to tell the whole thing, since in the outline I have only really finished the first third or possibly half of the complete story. I'm not sure yet where to go from where I've ended, only that the story isn't even near being over.

Been There and Now We're Back Again

Peter Jackson signs on to produce The Hobbit.

This is both a good thing and a bad thing. The Lord of the Rings suffered because three three-hour movies wasn't enough time to tell the story. Especially when you start adding stuff... but I won't go there.

I fear that two movies will be too much time to tell The Hobbit. It's not that complicated of a story - There and Back Again - but a lot happens, too much for one movie, but not enough, I fear, for two, unless they plan to really drag out the Battle of Five Armies for, like, half the second movie. And frankly, that wouldn't surprise me a bit. I don't know that I would mind that. I think it would be cool to see dwarf armies in battle - it has the advantage of never having been done. And they could really add to the depth of the story by including some historical information that ties the Mines of Moria, the goblin war, and the seven rings of the dwarves into the story in a way that isn't presented in the original Hobbit.

If I were writing the screenplay, I would start it with Gandalf's chance encounter on the road to Bree. If you're reading this, Mr. Jackson, I am available. I have trained myself, body, mind and soul, for this task for the last twenty years. Call ME!

Hold This, Harry

As Atrios points out, "It's absolutely outrageous that one senator and one senator only appears to be blocking us from passing this piece of legislation," said Jim Manley, a spokesman for Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, D-Nev.

Who? And what legislation? Why, Senator Tom Coburn, a Republican, and the legislation he has so cruelly put a hold on, completely stripping Harry Reid of his ability to act? A bill that would provide more money to investigate cold case files from the Civil Rights era.

But when it comes to Chris Dodd's hold to prevent a bill giving retroactive immunity to telecoms for spying on Americans, it's full fucking steam ahead for Battleship Harry. Because there's no fight he won't fight, damn the torpedoes, when it comes to delivering the goods for His Royal Corporate Majesty.

With Democrats like these, who needs Republicans?

Earlier today, Juan Cole compared Nancy Pelosi and the Congressional Democrats to a bunch of gentle hobbits facing off against the Orcs of Mordor. As I noted in comments (not yet posted), I'd much prefer hobbits. They at least will fight when backed into a corner.

One year ago, America had a Scouring of the Shire moment when Democrats took control of the House and Senate. But Reid and Pelosi immediately turned into high sheriffs and declared that expelling Sharky and his men was "off the table," I suppose because they liked the size and importance of the feathers in their caps. Apparently they are more frightened of what might happen if the horncall of Buckland is sounded and the general rabble of hobbitry is roused from its frightened lethargy. No telling who we might turn on next. Maybe even the high sheriffs!

This just shows you who our leaders really trust.

It ain't us hobbits, Frodo, my boy. So we must stick together.

Friday Lard Blogging

Moses E. Lard was born in Bedford County, Tennessee, Oct. 29, 1818, and after fighting "the good fight of faith" for over sixty years, entered into eternal life from Lexington, Ky., at midnight, June 17, 1880. His father, Leaven Lard, with his family, moved to Ray County, Missouri, about 1829, hoping to secure a home by entering land, and also to enjoy the chase, for at that time game of all kinds abounded. Though disappointed in proving up his claim, and doomed to succumb at an early day to the dreaded scourge, smallpox, and to leave his family of six children without adequate support, his son Moses was entered in the school of adversity, from which he learned independence and that courage which has bequeathed to posterity the example of true greatness. Surely the fires within and without played over his soul with a fury that would have consumed one of inferior mold. It was from the pure ozone of the West, from the wide prairies and boundless forests, from great rivers that swept past his feet onward to the sea, that the early life of Moses E. Lard drew its inspiration. Here he derived his power of depicting nature, here he put himself en rapport with the throbbing heart of God in trees and brooks and running streams.

His vivid imagination created his word pictures with a power rivaling the pencil of the master painters. All the wealth of his genius flowed from his lips upon the canvas, and the men and women created by his own words stood before you real beings, living, moving, breathing at his command. Although he spoke without note, these masterpieces came from his mind ready for the press, and defied the criticism of the best scholars and writers. It is much to be regretted, that aside from what was left in the Quarterlies, no sermon survives. Had his best sermons been written out and published, they would today be masterpieces in sermonic literature, and all others would pale before their brightness, beauty and logical coherence. The writer has never heard any preacher surpass him in his power to flood his theme with the effulgent glory of divine truth. The Scriptures had so penetrated all his powers, so thrilled his entire being, that they came from his lips burning with fire off God's own altar. It is true that he was not uniformly eloquent. Genius is never uniform. It will not be subject to ordinary devices, or be thrust within the narrow confines of the ordinary nutshells of commonplace brains.

Recognizing his great gifts as a writer, his friends induced him to undertake the publication of what became at that time the ablest periodical published by the advocates of the Restoration, Lard's Quarterly.

- from J.B. Jones, Churches Of Christ, ed. John T. Brown, c.1904 pages 416 - 418

Let us mourn now and remember a great man, whose great Lard name was only surpassed by that of his father - Leaven Lard. Oh, that I had such a name, and such a marvelous neck mullet as Moses once sported, to carry me through the lean times.

Another Soul Murdered

There is nothing quite so soul-killing as the death of a child. Unless it is some guy getting half his face blown off by an exploding cigar.

Both these things happened on CSI New York tonight.

It is not enough to not be allowed to see the dead and wounded American soldiers returned from Iraq and Afganistan - they must be flown in in the dead of night, without cameras or ceremony, to be mourned alone or comforted alone, because to do otherwise might awaken the sleeping one-eyed Polyphemus from her dreams of becoming an American Idol and the next top model, or his obsession with who is stabbing whom in the back on Survivor or in the Atlanta Falcons locker room, because once old Poly is awake, he's gonna start eating sailors - we must also become desensitized as a nation to the most horrific, battle-simulating wounds by showing close-ups of some guy's cigar-mortared face while people stand around scratching themselves and making obnoxious quips. If it were not enough that we parents are already terrified to let our children out of our sight for even a moment, they must show us that when we do, when we turn our backs for a split second for any reason, even to help someone who has just been assaulted, the kid on his bike will catch a bullet.

It murders the soul. It prepares us for the unthinkable - dead children and slaughtered neighbors - and teaches us that the only truly safe course in life is to mind your own business and not mind the blood, nor to mind when American women employed in Iraq are being gang raped by their male co-workers. We as a nation cry out in horror when a Muslim woman in Saudi Arabia is flogged for having made the mistake of being raped, yet say nothing when an American woman is imprisoned in a shipping container by her American employer for making the same error. For there is one thing as soul killing as dead children and people dismembered by explosives - it is when our government turns over the evidence of a horrific rape to the corporate rapists so they can destroy it. It is when evidence of torture is destroyed to protect the torturers. It is when the price of a barrel of oil outweighs the price of human life and human dignity.

There is the lesson of modern life - don't complain. Take your rogering in silence and be thankful they aren't standing your children up against a wall.

Mmmmm Tasty Chicks

Is that a Lard Russian Lanie Bayless is sipping? I sure hope not, because she's only sixteen! But is she a hottie? I'll ask my underage readers to weigh in, because it wouldn't be appropriate for this married old man to comment.

Lanie's the co-author of a cookbook titled Rick and Lanie's Excellent Kitchen Adventures (be excellent to each other) which was nominated for a James Beard Award. There's loads of good LARD recipes there, I've heard, though I've yet to pick up the book.

I know what you're asking - who the fuck is James Beard? Well, porklovers, James Beard is the father of American gastonomy. Bet you didn't know that! He's like the fucking Rosanjin of the New World.

After graduation, Lanie hopes to attend college in New York City where she will study theater.

Theater? There aren't any good plays with culture-defining pork references. Bloody splitter!

You can read more about Lanie here - at TheOtherWhiteMeat blog. Oh yes, a pork blog. Fun for the whole family.

Friday Lard Blogging

Photographer's Description:

One of the most popular dishes in Ukrainian cuisine ( “salo”). Smoked salted lard with garlic and bread.

Can you say Yuuuuhhhh-ummmmm?

Lard. It's the other white cheese.

How Not to Innovate

In a previous post, I lamented the uncertain future of the written word and begged for a new innovation to rejuvenate the publishing industry.

Meet Kindle, Amazon.com's "answer" to my prayer. Sony has a similar device.

Now, it's true that Ebooks have been around for a few years and they've never really caught on. The difference between older versions and Kindle are the features (instant wireless downloads, readability, etc.) At first glance, it looks like something I would buy.

At first glance only.

First of all, Kindle costs $399.99. That's a hell of a big pile of dough, but it's well within the range of what I spend on books each year.

What's really bothersome is the price of a Kindle book. Check this out:

The hardcover edition of Sacco and Vanzetti by Bruce Watson costs $17.13.

The Kindle edition of Sacco and Vanzetti by Bruce Watson costs $15.42.

That's a savings of just $1.71. For an electronic version that, compared to an actual paper book, costs almost nothing to produce. Sure, the technology is bound to have associated costs - licenses and whatnot - but compared to the cost of printing and shipping 10,000 hardback books, 10,000 Kindle books probably don't cost more than a couple of cents per book.

In my opinion, few people are going to spend $400 for an electronic book reader (no matter how cool) and then have to turn around and pay almost as much for an electonic book as they'd pay for the real thing. I know I wouldn't. If I'm slapping down $400 for a Kindle, I wouldn't pay more than $4 for a book. If that much.

The only thing I like about the Kindle is that it removes the giant corporate publishers and distributors from the publishing model. With technology like this, all that would be needed from a publishing company is a good editor, a copy editor, and a typesetter. Which means that eventually small publishers will be able to compete with big publishers. Once that happens, more books and better books will become available. And that's a good thing.

But before that can happen, a Kindle book (or its equivalent) has to reflect the real cost of production. The real cost is about 40% of the cover price - that is roughly the price the distributor pays the publisher for each copy of a book. The other 60% that you pay for a book goes to the distributor and the bookseller.

Of the first 40%, the author gets anywhere between 4% and 12%, on average. Bigger authors get a bigger cut. So take 12% off, leaving 28% going to the publisher to cover the costs of editing, typesetting, printing, and promotion, with something left over for profit or they go out of business. With an e-book, you get rid of the cost of printing, and since most publishers spend next to nothing on promotion, and since you lose the cost to the author of the return reserve, you end up with an ebook costing maybe 25% of the cover price to produce to the electronic file stage.

Bookstores take their cut of the cover price, but since Ebooks cost next to nothing to store (since all you're really housing is one copy), and since Ebooks don't require employees to sell, the seller's cut of the price should drop, too. So let's give them 25% of the cut to run the website, pay for bandwidth and wireless capacity, and make a profit. That brings us to 50% of cover price.

But since hardbacks and trade paperbacks are priced by quality of print production, the real value of an electronic book should be based on 50% of the cover price of the cheapest edition - the mass market paperback. Average price of a mass market book is $6.99, therefore the base price of an e-book should be $3.50. I can see paying a bit more for more popular authors to cover their larger cut of the royalties, because they are more in demand and therefore can command a higher price (or negotiate with the publisher for a lower price in the hope of increasing number of sales). Thus my $4 top price.

$15 for an e-book is certain, in my opinion, to kill the technology before it has a chance to get off the ground. Not to mention the fact that a $400 Ebook machine limits your customer base to the upper third of readers. It won't do a thing to get more people reading, and getting more people reading is where we should be headed with new technologies, not excluding potential new readers by pricing them out of the reading market.

If I were Amazon, I'd practically give Kindles away and then sell e-books significantly cheaper than paper books. You do that and you'll corner the publishing market, especially if Amazon publishes the books and take the publisher's cut for themselves. It's almost like they don't want to succeed, or they're afraid of succeeding, since success will utterly rewrite the way books are produced. And that's a scary thing for everybody - booksellers, publishers, and authors alike.

Ever

My newest short story, "Ever," has been accepted for publication in a future edition of Nature.

"Ever" was inspired by a photo series by Irakly Shanidze. The photo to the left gave the title to the story. Irakly was kind enough to let me post this photo to my blog, since Nature will be commissioning their own art to go with the story.

Here is the rest of the photo series. Check it out.